I wonder if I get give my sister a tight slap across her face and pretend I have catatonic schizophrenic. Seriously, I cannot stand sometimes. Sure the neighbours say she's pretty. Heaven help them. Obviously they've never seen the other side of her when she's at home. I feel like throwing a cleaver at her arrogant, bratty little face.

My mum was, as usual siding with her and going all "Stop fighting with your elder sister, for Heaven's sake!" Now she can't find her wallet.I shall ignore her pleas for help to locate her wallet.

There are times when I have this, overwhelming feeling to pack up and run away. And leave home. It doesn't matter that I don't have a destination in mind. Just as long as I am not in the house and going my own way.

I can't talk to my mother about personal stuff. Ditto the sister, coz she Miss-Eldest-Sister-&-The-"Prettiest"-And-Gets-All-the-Attention. I don't talk to my dad, since he's always away and whatever. Ditto my brother since he cannot be bothered about makeup and clothes and self esteem.

Can I just say that I have an emotionally unsupportive family? Is that a prereq for low self
esteem?

OH MY GOD. My mum just showed me the dress that she bought for herself to wear. My mum bought a dress. My mum actually has sexy clothes. I cannot believe my MOTHER has sexier clothes than me. I bet she has sexier underwear than me too. I am the one who is supposed to have halter tops and high heeled shoes and multi-colored bras and backless dresses. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I'll tell you what's wrong. It's ME.

Thanks. Thanks a lot Mum. Way to go for my self esteem. She was all "oh look at my arms! I'm going to get arms like Madonna man! Serene, you don't have them. Look at mine! Whoo!"

Yes Mother, I already said Merci to you. Seriosuly, I cannot give her a compliment because inside I am already BROKEN. Wait up Mum, what about that talk we had and you were all "Oh, I cannot wear a dress la Serene, I'm too old already."

Uhhuh. Yeah which would totally explain the black halter dress you bought. See THIS is why I cannot tell my mum I feel depressed because of how look. She's the one who's making me feel that way in the first place. She's the one who is suffocating me. I want her to be happy, but she never once took me out shopping to buy dresses. Yeah she took my sis to shop for her prom dress, and she just picked out ugly blue frock from some place for me.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Ache. Ache. Ache. Sorrow. Sorrow. Sorrow. And I thought mothers are supposed to be your best friend. Best friends who don't tell you have elephant-like arms and don't go shopping with you for dresses or curse the boys who broke my heart.

Did you know that my mum once called me ugly? Before prom, she asked me what I was going to wear, and I said a dress. And she gave a crap face and went "Serene! What are you thinking of? You'll look so ugly. Maybe a nice blouse and skirt would suit you better." I still cry every time I think about it.

Well sorry Ma, for being stuck with an ugly ass loser like me. Sorry that your 2nd daughter is not as pretty as your eldest, your glory, your honour. Wendy's pretty, and I'm not. She's the best, I'm not. I can climb all the way to the top of Mount Everest & I bet you would be "Come one, Wendy can also do that."

No matter what I do, you will never be happy enough the same way Wendy makes you proud. No matter how much you wish, I can never be the kind of daughter that you want me to be.

What kind of a mother. Calls her own child, her own flesh and blood, her child who grew under her heart. Ugly? What kind? I bet you don't know the answer to that, because your mother has never said that to you before in your life.

Sometimes, I wish I were never born. Sometimes, I wish I could step off a cliff and plunge to my icy death. Come the stars, the moon, the earth, the Universe.