I experienced a bout of nasty flu yesterday. I felt horrid and sick and gorged on Arnott's Buttenut Wholegrain Oatmeal biscuits and might have gained 10 pounds because of that. I swear, my body is unable to regulate its mentaoblism properly right now.

Moving on.

I am finally done with Social Psychology and HRM projects. Developmental Psychology report looms like a great big sun over me and I am now attempting to complete the 1500 report, of the word limit which I have already exceeded.

I plan to complete this report before midnight. Hip hop training at 9am tomorrow, which means I have to wake up at 7am. Bugger.

I cannot wait for the school holidays to begin so I can sort my messy life back to its usual state. Grandma's coming from London to visit for two weeks! Can't wait (:

Back to report.

10 Random Stuffs That Just Sprouted the Top off My Head


(a) Felipe Massa is shorter than my sister
(b) My dog's tail hair is curly
(c) My grandfather's name is Frederick William Bennington
(d) I think Latin American men with stubbles are divine. Think Yul Vasquez from Bad Boys II and Enrique Iglesias from Once Upon a Time
in Mexico
(e) My mother's full name is Susan Ann Clout
(f) I secretly dance in my room
(g) I hug my bolster at night and pretend that it is a guy I'm embracing.
(h) I like dipping cereal into peanut butter and Nutella
(i) I wish chocolate were calorie free
(j) I wish I could sporut wings and fly to Europe.

Hi, yes.

I just stepped on thr weighing scale and discovered to my horror, that I have gained 1.5 kg. This took me off the edge. And I am disgusted at myself.

My body metabolism has officially been scrwed around with and it doesn't know to regulate itself. I don't know what to do seriously.
I don't know what to do anymore.

GOd help me please.

I watched a video today.

I watched a video, of beautiful, magnificient foxes being skinned alive by Chinese bastard farmers in China.

I don't care what language I'm using. No words can fully express the magnitude of my anger, my disgust and my contempt at such people in China who maliciously torture the spirit of such beautifil wildlife animals.

Foxes are captured, drove to hysteria, slammed to the ground, beaten and trodden and skinned alive. Tell me. Does that sound human to you? Yet these China fucks perform such rituals like they're taking a fucking leak, like its that simple to live through this madness and not feel any guilt whatsoever.

Foxes are hung suspended on their hindlegs, and those fuckers simply rip the skin off til it comes over the head. The fox simply struggles and cries.

I watched a fox die. It wasn't even a fox anymore. It was simply blood, and bone, and tears, and sorrow. Confused and hurt at why humans committ such attrocious acts. They slip unconscious, eyelids twitching and depart the world and find their place next to God, where they rightfully belong.

I watched a fox die. And I could not do anything about it.

Those Chinese fuckers are sick. The media doesn't allow for anyone to portray China in an unfavorable light yet here they are, exploiting that one aspect. Hypocritical faggots.

I watched a fox die. But more are dying. More are dying at the hands of these malicious and cruel farmers in China. Now you know why I cannot stand people from China.


I watched a fox die. And I could not do anything about it.
I watched a fox die. And I could not do anything about it.
I watched a fox die. And I could not do anything about it.

I love eating. Even when I am not hungry.
I need someone to perform hypnosis is on me so that I can curb this bad fat-making habit.

I think I've put on weight again.

I am currently doing HRM and RMB now.

Goodbye Ibi

Today I learnt that Ibi Halstead had passed away.

Ibi was a Facebook friend of mine. She was like a second mother to me, such that I was able to relate to her everything about me that I couldn't say to my own mother. I told her about school, boys and just my life in general. She also recounted her experiences growing up in Canada and an outline of her life and I'd like to say that God has taken away a strong woman who has survived so much.

She survived recurring depression episodes and a failed marriage before finally settling down with a wonderful man and finally getting to live her life, but not before she suffered a heart attack a few weeks ago.

When I heard from Ibi's friend that she had died, I brokw down on the spot, crying for the loss of such a wonderful woman whom had been there for me emotionally. She was a divine sounding board and I felt so comfortable expressing my feelings about all the troubles I've been experiencing to her.

Life is such a mystery. Druggies live but survivors like Ibi get taken away. God better have a good reason for this. But at least I now know that Ibi will have secured her place next to God and finally, FINALLY, be at peace.

You'll be badly missed Ibi

Love,
Serene

I know I just posted a post, but I really really REALLY want to blog about what just happened.

Mum came into my room while I was doing my hrm report and she asked about my hair. So I was like "it's still dropping" so I brushed my hand through my hair and showed her the strands of hair and she looked at it and started combing my hair.

Then she walked to her room and grabbed her bottle of Hair Collagen and started massaging it onto my scalp and muttered "It's all to do with the scalp"

The more she massaged, the more I could feel her pulling her hand through my hair and I could sense her looking at her hand. I did not turn around. I continued staring at the screen.

Then she went "Wait for a while. If it doesn't stop, we'll see a specialist."

That was when I burst into uncontrollable sobs and just cried on the spot. Mum was well, shocked, I guess so she gave me a hug. Well more of like a "head hug" because she was standing and I was sitting on the chair so my head was wrapped around her arms and I was staring at the laptop screen and with tears streaming down my face and I was sobbing like a sick cat.

Strange enough, I felt...relieved. Because it felt as though some huge weight had been lifted - momentarily - off my shoulders, and the fact that it was Mum hugging me made me feel so comforted for a moment.

Mum was saying "Don't worry! There will always be a solution. Mummy's here. I know what to do"

And when she said that, I truly believed her.

Then she started looking in the Classifieds for hair specialist and showing them to me. I averted my gaze when she showed them to me, because I didnt't want to succummb to the fact that I was indeed having hair problems. I just want it to be stress related. That'll it all go away within a few days and it'll be all okay.


Peace be on me, Jesus.

Today was one of the most horrific day of my entire life. Its much worse than the time I was in primary school, when a few of my girlfriends were racing down the stairs as usual and I guess I leaned forward a little too much and tumbled down.

Luckily I was only a few steps from the ground so I just landed in onw smooth shot, but not before my girlfriends saw color underwear I was wearing. Yeah right there and then I was humiliated. We celebrated and christined that day 'Full Moon'

But still, back to reality. I am finally experiencing the full blown effects of EDNOS. I am prematurely suffereing from hair loss. I am going to become bald like my grandfather and my father at the tender age of 18, when they're balding at 50.

Damn I've accomplished a lot. Suffered a midlife crisis and experienced male pattern baldness. What next, premature prostate issues?

Before I left the house today, I brushed my hair with my hand and got a shock - the size of an elephant's tush - when I saw my hand streaming with curly strands and strands of hair. Its been like that, ever since Friday - when I had my midlife crisis - and I've been hoping and praying that it'll go away. Plus, whenever I shower, the drainpipe is just clogged with my hair strands, and even when I comb. It's definetly more than usual. It's my hair, and I can tell.


So I basically looked at reflection and burst into tears. I kid you not. The feeling of remorse, and despair, and resignation and disgust at myself. You can't possibly imagine what I was feeling there and then. I just cried and cried and thought that I've been such a bitch for being so selfish and I wished God would please come down and take me away because I've been going through so much emotional pain and suffering and right now, I'm so lost and confused. I need help. I just don't know where and how to seek help. I contemplated not going to school actually. I texted my mum and Jesslyn and they tried calling me, but I ignored their calls because I felt suicidal for a moment.

I felt like the whole world was rebelling against me.

My grades for this semester have slipped unceremoniously
I suffered premature midlife crisis
My hair is falling because of my EDNOS
My self esteem is slipping too. because of that.

I wish my life would turn around right now. I'm such a hypocritical and selfish bitch.

I was thinking about my premature hair loss and I burst into tears for no reason. I mean, I've been so...selfish. I sacrified my hair for looks. I sacrificed the one that I was so proud of.

I'm not strong, as what people say. In fact - I'm weak. I yielded so easily to the societal pressures of thinness and beauty, that my locks that I so love suffered the blow of it.

Upon thinking that, I suddenly had this....I'm not sure what it is, but I started praying and talking to Jesus. I prayed that He would tell me what to do and help me turn my life around.

I think it's time for me to return to church and seek solace.

My name is Serene.
I experienced a premature midlife crisis at the mere tender age of 18.
I love to dance.
I'm suffering from stress-related hair loss.
I would love to stay in Neverland.



Yore. Despair. Love. Resignation. Contentment. Dilemma.

An intermingling of emotions.
A penetration of mixed ideals.

Horror! Horror!

Heaven knows I'm waiting for you.

Well I experienced my first ( and hopefully last!) midlife crisis at the mere tender age of 18 years.

I know I should be studying right now. I'm on a tight deadline. I'm supposed to study dreaded cross cultural for class test, oh which is apparently next Monday, and I need to submit my draft hrm report to Jesslyn, and start on social psychology observation data sheet.

But I intend to take like 13 minutes off to blog about my day yesterday, and Thursday.

Thursday was my last tutorial for transnational studies and we all had our group presentations and it was a huge mad rush for final editing and submission of slides. I met with Eugene after APEL to quickly run through our erm, very long presentation (61 slides, to be precise) and attempt to cram several bits and pieces into 1 slide.

Then I realized that one of our group mates forget to include an extremely significant point in the slides, so we had to call him and get him, and the rest of the group, to get their butts down to the IT lab and chuck in whatever they need to.

May I add that it was already 5.45pm and the presentation was to start at 6.15pm? Oh yeah I almost had an embolism right there and then. I was waving my arms around and trying to rush them and attempting to think of examples to illustrate my pointers.

Then we left for the IR at 6pm. When it was our turn to present, I was shaking so badly for a moment, I swore I could have hyperventilated right there and then. Seriously, this is the 1st I've ever been so nervous and worried about a presentation.

So we spoke. We rushed. We babbled. Miss Street look bored. I got pissed at that. She kept looking down and it looked as though she was sleeping. My heart sank. We ended the presentation. Amount of time we took to present: 32:15 minutes.

Congratulations, Serene.

That was exactly the worst thing. The worst was when Ms Street actually summoned more enthusiasm and encouragement and positive comments for the rest of the groups. Call me paranoid, but excuse me?

So I became all moody after that, and declined Jasmin's invitation to eat at Prata Paradise with the other GC people. I wanted to get home and sleep. In the car on the way home, I commented that I'll quickly shower and head to bed because I was zonked out and feeling cranky and then good old Mum did what she does best. Insult, criticize and penetrate my already bleeding heart.

May I quote "What's the point of being on the director's honors list if you're so stupid? What a fucking irony?"

Yes I agree it is pretty ironic that a dim witted buffoon like myself could have gotten at the dean's list, when she lacks common sense and having had EDNOS.

That was when I went home and gorged on Nutella. I swear, I am never having Nutella in the house again.

I woke up on Friday and logged on to TP email and said hello to my RMB Assignment 1 results. I got a major awesome stupid 14 over 20. That wasn't the worst thing. The worst thing was that I knew, that there were people who had received help from people good at such statistical formulas, and got full marks, while I sat in the lab for 3 hours, attempting to analyze and comprehend whatever Mr Tan was personally explaining to me about Type 1 error ( when significance level is less than .05, we can say that a difference exists) and reading up the RMB textbook, just so I could get a good and decent grade for this Assignment.

Pardon my French, but I honestly feel that the world can be so messed and fucked up, and you can quote me on that. It's just like why mothers who take meticulous care of themselves deliver stillborns whilst crack-addict mothers have miraculously healthy babies; how religious individuals get killed by rebels, how 16 year old girls die from ovarian cancer before they even grasp the chance to see the world. What makes me different from these unfortunate souls, whom I bet are harboring the same intuitions like me?

So I was contemplating this and hearing Mr Tan talking about RMB Assignment and how people got help and I thought back the unfairness and unjust of it all.

Serene then made a random comment to Janell, who was conveniently sitting next to her and Serene had a midlife crisis right there and then. Poor Janell had to battle through hot tears to sobs whilst hoping the tutor wouldn't spot them.

To Janell, if you're reading this too, and yes I've read your lovely post, thank you for bearing witness to my dammed up emotions and helping me sort them out. What's done has been done and the assignments have been marked and people who got an undeserving A or Z have already been awarded that. I will not rationalize this but will try to get over this, in say 433553 light years. Nevertheless, I love you (:

Hip hop today was fun. I finally learnt the Happy Feet-like footwork. And I've been doing it ever since. Thanks to Nicole for your handy tip in practicing them and helping to correct my mistakes! Nevertheless, I'm super psyched up about Hip Hop right now. And now that TNS is over, I can resume my belly dance every Tuesday. HUZZAH!

I melt every time I heard Prince Edward sing this. I want my own true love too; my own Spanish Latino Mona Lisa, my own French heartthrob, my own Shakespeare.

Dear Diary:

Sometimes, I feel that life is simply too overbearing. Sometimes, with what's going on right now, it's as if I have lost direction in my life. Where am I really going, and what am I going to do?

They say that the truth is overrated, that it knows no boundaries; that it can stop hearts and it can initiate changes.

What IS truth really? Is it the facts? The irony behind the facts? Or is it both.

I'd like to be honest for once and get everything out in the open. Obviously I can't talk to my mother, so I figured it would be easier to cram it all here in simple and straight forward manner.

I have, or I HAD, EDNOS.

EDNOS. Is classified, as Eating Disorder not Otherwise Specified. It covers forms of eating disorders, but do not fully meet the criteria for an official eating disorder. It started early this year, when dear old Mum began taking up gym classes and her body combat classes and her Muay Thai classes. She'd come home, and she'd show off her toned and lithe arms without fail. Sometimes, she'd go to the extent of asking me to feel the muscle underneath.

I admit, that I had been under so much stress, because my mother was, and is portraying a message that threatens my self esteem. Let's face it. I'm not the thinnest in my family. I'm of a bigger frame than my sister, even though she's taller than me, but I bet I'm heavier than her. I've always been a fat kid. My mother never taught me healthy eating habits. I just are junk food whenever I fancied and I evidently suffered the consequences.

The fact that Mum is engaging in such behavior simply kills me, because I wish I could lose weight too. Dad has always made fun of my weight when I was younger. Though I wasn't affected by it then, I began to feel the strain of it as I entered adolescence.

Mum has never called me beautiful. And I wish she would. Friends may call me pretty, but I wish my own mother would tell me that she loves me and I'm pretty and compliment me. I wish I could go prom dress shopping with my mother, tell her about my feelings on being fat and sad and whatever, buy makeup with her. But I never developed that bond with her to be comfortable doing that.


So because of that, I started to become extremely conscious of my weight from then on. I'll admit, I went on a diet. And I mean literally, I limited what foods I ate, how much I ate and when I could eat. And honestly, I felt sick and tired of it. It was a literal crash diet and I felt sick and tired. I became so fearful of whatever I ate, because I wanted to lose weight. I ate only around 1200 calories per day and exercised an hour daily. Sometimes, there were days where I binged and I felt so fearfully guilty that immediately after the meal, I'd jump on the treadmill and run for an hour.

Because of that, I suffered the consequences. My skin became dull and tired looking, I lacked energy, I lost focus and motivation and my menses stopped coming, because my hormones got screwed up and couldn't regulate with my yo-yo metabolism.

Mum noticed this apparently, and it became another huge argument. She criticised mean, called me stupid and that I was only interested in looking pretty and being thin and that was all I ever cared about. She commented that I was so easily influenced by thin celebrities and how I'm going to end up dying and she won't bother about me if I ever end up in such situations like Karen Carpenter.

Every time she says that, I feel like screaming "Do you really want to know who motivated me to start this whole destructive cycle? It's you Mum, you"

Whatever the case, I decided I wanted to get my life back on track and I started eating more and more. I put back 2kg and am desperately trying to maintain it first. However, I'm still fearful, and I don't know the right way to eat. Like just before this, I had like chiffon cake with Nutella, because I felt so depressed and needed a sugar rush and now I'm feeling guilty.

I never learnt to eat right and proper and now I still struggle with my weight.

I really wish that there'd be someone who could teach me mindful and healthy eating. I'm tired of this already. There were so many times I had suicidal thoughts simply because of what I am, and what my mum says about me and how horrible and ugly and what a glutton I am with no self control whatsoever.

I just want to lie down in bed now and sleep, and forget that I just gorged on Nutella, and forget everything and just. Sleep. And. Never. Wake. Up.

I am tired.




That is the understatement of the year.

Sleep.
Now.

Farewell.
People.

BLAST FROM THE PAST

I remember being around 9 years old and hearing this song on Mum's car radio whilst on the way home from primary school. When I got home, I quickly snatched the portable mini radio from my Dad's table a took it to the dinner table and momentously set it next to my plate and listening intently, hoping that the mouth dropping song I just hear would play again.

Mum kept asking what I wanted to hear.

And I said, "Hit me baby one more time!"

That was my first ever Britney Spears song that I fell in love with. Then I saw the music video on MTV and became crazed about her. Well she was a beautiful girl when she was young, granted. But unfortunately drugs, media and bad boys screwed her life over. But hey everyone still loves her songs (:

Both the main man and his dog - in the video - are real handsome.

BACK TO THE FUTURE

All right Hip Hop practice resumed yesterday and it sucked. The trainer gave us a short routine that taught us the basics and I couldn't do a couple of them, when everyone else could - because they all had Hip Hop background. So when it came to doing certain steps, I zonked out and made some steps up. I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO THE BASIC HIP HOP FOOTWORK.

Then after practice I had to rush to TNS lecture which started at 9am. I missed the lecture, which sucked because now I have to go and find out what the stuff we learnt was all about myself. AND AND AND Miss Carolyn Street has been placed under home quarantine, because she has come into contact with someone struck with H1N1. Yes people, someone from HSS - GEMs has swine flu.

So when I heard Ms Street was quarantined I was like 0_0. Because she's my tutor and well I've come into close physical contact with her. All I can say is that if she has H1N1, and I'm destined to get swine flu, I will probably.....I don't know. What WILL I do?

I take vitamin C everyday okay? The God of Vitamin C is watching over me.

So after TNS ended I had to quickly rush home and start out Cross Cultural Psychology stuff. Don't ask why. Intended meeting(s) were never conducted and deadline(s) not completed so yeah. And there's Cross Cultural Psych quiz this coming Monday.

AND project scope for Dvpt Psych project was....confusing. Unnecessary last minute changes which created so much confusion and conundrums. *shakes head in exasperation*

Shu Yun, Janell and I were arguing about stubbles. I made a random comment on stubbles and it escalated into a cat-fight about whether stubbles are sexy or not. WHICH THEY SO ARE. Note to self: next blog entry - Stubbles Bring Sexy Back

Today AND yesterday was a horrid day for me. I binged and ate a lot. For instance today, I ate junk food for breakfast and dinner. Went all right for dinner, but after I came home, I ate like Milo powder straight from the container and polished off a whole box of ChocoFudge biscuits.

I am a PIG with no self control.