Dear Diary:

Sometimes, I feel that life is simply too overbearing. Sometimes, with what's going on right now, it's as if I have lost direction in my life. Where am I really going, and what am I going to do?

They say that the truth is overrated, that it knows no boundaries; that it can stop hearts and it can initiate changes.

What IS truth really? Is it the facts? The irony behind the facts? Or is it both.

I'd like to be honest for once and get everything out in the open. Obviously I can't talk to my mother, so I figured it would be easier to cram it all here in simple and straight forward manner.

I have, or I HAD, EDNOS.

EDNOS. Is classified, as Eating Disorder not Otherwise Specified. It covers forms of eating disorders, but do not fully meet the criteria for an official eating disorder. It started early this year, when dear old Mum began taking up gym classes and her body combat classes and her Muay Thai classes. She'd come home, and she'd show off her toned and lithe arms without fail. Sometimes, she'd go to the extent of asking me to feel the muscle underneath.

I admit, that I had been under so much stress, because my mother was, and is portraying a message that threatens my self esteem. Let's face it. I'm not the thinnest in my family. I'm of a bigger frame than my sister, even though she's taller than me, but I bet I'm heavier than her. I've always been a fat kid. My mother never taught me healthy eating habits. I just are junk food whenever I fancied and I evidently suffered the consequences.

The fact that Mum is engaging in such behavior simply kills me, because I wish I could lose weight too. Dad has always made fun of my weight when I was younger. Though I wasn't affected by it then, I began to feel the strain of it as I entered adolescence.

Mum has never called me beautiful. And I wish she would. Friends may call me pretty, but I wish my own mother would tell me that she loves me and I'm pretty and compliment me. I wish I could go prom dress shopping with my mother, tell her about my feelings on being fat and sad and whatever, buy makeup with her. But I never developed that bond with her to be comfortable doing that.


So because of that, I started to become extremely conscious of my weight from then on. I'll admit, I went on a diet. And I mean literally, I limited what foods I ate, how much I ate and when I could eat. And honestly, I felt sick and tired of it. It was a literal crash diet and I felt sick and tired. I became so fearful of whatever I ate, because I wanted to lose weight. I ate only around 1200 calories per day and exercised an hour daily. Sometimes, there were days where I binged and I felt so fearfully guilty that immediately after the meal, I'd jump on the treadmill and run for an hour.

Because of that, I suffered the consequences. My skin became dull and tired looking, I lacked energy, I lost focus and motivation and my menses stopped coming, because my hormones got screwed up and couldn't regulate with my yo-yo metabolism.

Mum noticed this apparently, and it became another huge argument. She criticised mean, called me stupid and that I was only interested in looking pretty and being thin and that was all I ever cared about. She commented that I was so easily influenced by thin celebrities and how I'm going to end up dying and she won't bother about me if I ever end up in such situations like Karen Carpenter.

Every time she says that, I feel like screaming "Do you really want to know who motivated me to start this whole destructive cycle? It's you Mum, you"

Whatever the case, I decided I wanted to get my life back on track and I started eating more and more. I put back 2kg and am desperately trying to maintain it first. However, I'm still fearful, and I don't know the right way to eat. Like just before this, I had like chiffon cake with Nutella, because I felt so depressed and needed a sugar rush and now I'm feeling guilty.

I never learnt to eat right and proper and now I still struggle with my weight.

I really wish that there'd be someone who could teach me mindful and healthy eating. I'm tired of this already. There were so many times I had suicidal thoughts simply because of what I am, and what my mum says about me and how horrible and ugly and what a glutton I am with no self control whatsoever.

I just want to lie down in bed now and sleep, and forget that I just gorged on Nutella, and forget everything and just. Sleep. And. Never. Wake. Up.