I spent the end of the world rewatching The Dark Knight. So. Brilliant. I want Batman's cape so I can fly.

I'm sorry but how is this not gorgeous, and stunning, and perfect, and beautiful, and magnificent, and stunning, and divine, and god-like, and exquisite? Only a fool would disagree.

Why didn't I ever know that Christian Bale played Laurie in Little Women (1994). I was so shocked when his scene came on with Jo at the dance and I went holy crap! like a thousand friggin times. I would have never known if I hadn't decided to watch the 1994 version of Little Women to see how it differed from the 1949 version that I loved so much.

Christian Bale looks so much the same here bit his voice...hasn't broken. Its the voice of a teenage boy just entering adulthood and its so incredibly weird to see him with longer wavy hair and a higher pitched voice, but of course he was 20 years old then. But he looks exactly the sane, doesn't he?

Winona Ryder, who played Jo March wasn't as good as June Allyson in the 1949 version. Winona was more...gentle and feminine and didn't really portray the feisty and hot headed Jo in the film. I haven't finished watching the entire movie but I think I still prefer the 1949 version, with June and Janet Leigh Elizabeth Taylor (who played Meg and Amy respectively). Oh, and I just remembered that when I was in Los Angeles one of the very reasons I had wanted to visit the Westwood Village Memorial Park was just so I could visit the graves of Janet Leigh and Keanu Reeve's girlfriend and their daughter. It took me about a good half hour to find them because the place was enormous and I had to walk up to each gravestone one by one and check the names, but I remember my heart stopping when I saw the names Ava Archer Reeves and Jennifer Syme, the stillborn daughter and girlfriend of Keanu Reeves and I just started sobbing.

And I also visited:

- Marilyn Monroe
- Dean Martin (one of my favorite jazz singers)
- Janet Leigh
- Farrah Fawcett (who played Jill Munroe in the original Charlie's Angels)
- Eva Gabor
- Elizabeth Montgomery (the original Samatha Stephens in Bewitched, which I loved so much when I was younger)
- Hugh Hefner (who technically is still alive but has reserved the site next to Marilyn for himself), just to name a few.

I also did quite a few other names that I didn't recognize, and it was only after I looked it up online that I learned they were actors, models, writers, directors and other well-know individuals in the 1960s and 70s. The Park was a sad and beautiful place at the same time and it just makes you reflect upon life. I left a quarter (25 cents) on top of Dean Martin's plaque, alongside many others who have done the same, as a tribute to the man who, when was I was 13, was the only man who managed to sing me to sleep after a long terrible and hard day.

So anyway I watched Little Women (1949) when I was 10 after reading the children's version of Little Women and it has been one of my favorite movies ever since. I was distraught when my mum threw out the DVD because it had too many scratches and we couldn't get through 10 minutes of the film without it stopping. But yaye SM found the film for me and passed it to me the previous week and I watched it last night again and it was just as beautiful and magical as it was when I first watched it 11 years ago.

URECA progress check

Let's now assess where I am with URECA shall I?

Mid-Dec / 1 page proposal. I've submitted that, like in November. So moving on.

End-Dec. Minimum 40 hours research work. Yaye I've clocked in 56 hours to date, so I'm not worried about that. Right now I'm worried about editing those photos and getting in questionnaires in check. As of right now, I have a total of 9 questionnaires to administer. How these researchers do it? How? Right now, I'm so incredibly thankful for a Mr Chua Junjie, a librarian's assistant within the Psychology division who has been helping me with researching for articles and questionnaires and basically doing what I really should have been doing in the first place: using the library's database to get all my information, but I never really did get the hang of using the online database. I've used it, sure, but not to the extent that he has! I knew that independent work will be involved, but the complexity and rigorousness of it all wasn't anticipated. Its definitely in contrast to what I did in TP, where we used only maybe 1 or 2 questionnaires and we had our teachers to help us. In what I'm doing, I have search for valid questionnaires by emailing the original authors or the questionnaire to have them forward me a copy of it and decide whether its contents is relevant to my experiment. I'm also examining for moderator/mediator variables which adds to the bulk to measures I have to undertake.

I'd like to thank Christian Bale for keeping me company through these hectic times as I wade through the endless pool of articles and searching for needles in haystacks and giving me hope that gorgeous men like you exist, and I'd like to thank my wonderful companion, Bobby, for willingly putting up with my constant kissing and hugging of him because I find that these 2 expressions of love and sentiment give me comfort and distraction, and nibbling my nose in return was, needless to say, uncalled for but understandable.

Movie Marathon!

I've been on a movie rampage marathon for the past few days, and just sitting on my chair and soaking in the large number of movies that I've both missed out, and movies that I've not seen in a long time such as:

Terminator (1984), Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991), Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003), Terminator: Salvation (2009)

I've seen the last 3 movies, but not the very first movie, where it all begins when Kyle Reese (John Connor's father) is sent back from the future to 1984 to save Sarah Connor from being killed. Everything that I know from the subsequent movies are now all starting to make sense and I cannot believe that I actually missed out watching the first Terminator movie. No wonder my mum said I can't call myself a true Terminator fan. But I must say the adult Kyle Reese is totally gorgeous with an equally gorgeous to-die-for body. Too bad Kyle Reese has to die. And I'm so upset to find out that John Connor will get killed by the very Terminator that saved him in the 2nd and 3rd movie in 2032. Not that there's a connection or anything, but John Connor was born in 1985, which makes him 27 this year. So Evan's also born in 1985, making him 27 too. Coincidence? I think not!

Batman

All right, so I didn't manage to watch all the Batman movies. Batman (1989) was actually pretty good, and its where you see Jack Nicholson as the very first Joker and who did a pretty good job. But Michael Keaton was just, not my taste. And Harvey Dent was played by an African American man! I was so stunned and I must have sat there throughout the entire movie trying to figure out who this guy was. Batman Returns (1992) is by far the best Batman film out of the Schmuacher/Burton films. Its awesome because Tim Burton directed it, and the movie just screams eclectic and bizarre. And this is where real Catwoman is the best Catwoman, played by Michelle Pffifer. And okay, so maybe the rather suit and entire concept of a sexy Catwoman is extremely sexist, but hey she pulled it off and she was PERFECT. And Danny DeVito was the Penguin. AWESOME FILM. Batman Forever (1995). Slight disappointment, this film was. The villains really weren't interesting at all (The Riddler, played by Jim Carrey and Two-Faced/Harvey Dent) played by Tommy Lee Jones. Chris O' Donnell who played Robin was pretty all right as well, but he lacked the chemistry to play Batman's sidekick. Batman and Robin  (1997). OMG worst Batman film EVER. Arnold Schwarzenneger was just a completely pointless blocky villian wanting to avenge his dead frozen wife. He's got the build, but not the character! Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy was okay, but the interactions between her and Batman and Robin are simply stupid. In what universe, will the Caped Crusader EVER show himself to the public as a charity event?! Batman always stays hidden and he certainly doesn't go gallivanting around town during the day, attending charity events in his suit! Its so campy and ridiculous. And intruding a Batgirl here? I'm sure Batgirl worked well in comics, but this was NOT one of Alicia Silverstone's best movie to date. Batman Begins (2005). Now this was just brilliant! Christian Bale is so gorgeous and sexy and super hot and so enigmatic! I think it really worked because it showed how Bruce Wayne turns from a petty criminal to Batman, by documenting his journey from millionaire, to petty criminal, to ninja training and finally to Batman and it really helps the audience understand where Batman is coming from. Rachel Dawes was an interesting addition. She wasn't in the comics, but she was a pretty neat character, playing Bruce's childhood friend and love interest. Katie Holmes actually did a good job acting as Dawes. I was surprised, given her penchant for roles in chick-lit films.  Ra's Al Ghul was a stunning villain (hello, its Liam Neeson!) and I liked how the villain and Batman actually have a shared history, and this makes the film much more emotional, unlike other villains like The Riddler and the Penguin who push Batman's buttons, simply because they're discontent with their lot. Its a nice change really, and it really worked so good with me. The Dark Knight (2008). Equally awesome. Again, it also documents Harvey Dent's journey from being an attorney to being Two Faced and the emotional ramifications of his transformation, and it actually made me feel sorry for him. I actually liked Christopher Nolan's idea of getting Rachel to fall in love with Harvey and to stop waiting around for Batman/Bruce. It gave it such a twist, and I really was hoping that Rachel would end up with Dent, if she didn't get killed. That entire scene was the saddest moment in the entire movie, especially for Bruce. He was devastated! Poor Bruce. He waited his entire life for her and she ends up getting killed and wanting to choose another man over him. The Joker was an interesting character. Initially when I first saw the movie, I didn't like Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker. It was too serious instead of being scary-serious like I had anticipated. But after watching it critically during this holiday, I started seeing the brilliance of this performance. Its psychotic-serious and so bizarre to the point that it actually struck a chord with the audience. I'm now understanding why Heath Ledger got a posthumous Oscar for this. It was truly a good piece. The Dark Knight Rises (2012). HUGE DISSAPOINTMENT. So much hype, so much anticipation but it just didn't work with me. I didn't like how Bruce went into hiding for 8 years and did nothing. Bane, while I agree that he's there to test Batman's physical and mental strength, it just didn't really work enough for me, but having it tied to Miranda Tate's desire for revenge for her father made it...a little...campy. Miranda Tate didn't work with me at all. Bane was enough to bring the city down and I would have liked it better of Bane wanted revenge for Ra's instead of Tate. And Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle/Catwoman?! WHAT was Nolan thinking?! She so was not good at all. Her characterization of Catwoman was so transient and sloppy, and granted she's beautiful, but she's not sexy to be Catwoman. And I despised the ending. I'd rather Bruce Wayne end up with Miranda Tate (if she wasn't such a vengeful slut), then be with Selina Kyle. But I wish Nolan would have told us how he had survived. All in all, this movie isn't a movie that I'll watch again.

So there you have it. I've seen like 10 movies in a week and it was so good to have that me-time in a magical world.

But yeah, other movies I watched as well since my final paper are The Prestige, staring Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman & Scarlett Johannsenn, which I still don't even what's it about because I got so bored halfway through the movie. If it helps, its about magicians and the ending was beautiful (Bale gets reunited with his daughter). My Best Friend's Wedding, with Julia Roberts, Cameron Diaz and Ruper Everett (who voiced Prince Charming in Shrek), about Jules (Roberts) who's in love with her best friend for 9 years, but who's getting married to Kim (Diaz) and she's off to stop the wedding in 4 days as she seeks help and advice about the rationality of her actions from George, her best gay friend (Everett). Its hilarious, but beautifully sad. Jules loved him so much that she let him go and marry Kim, because he loves Kim. If you love someone, you'll let him/her choose their paths, and that's what Jules did. I cried at the ending when she made the decision to bring them back together after successfully splitting them up after seeing his anguished face because that's when she realizes how much he really loves Kim. Oh and her best gay friend, George, is incredibly funny.

American Psycho has Christian Bale and Kevin Bacon, with Bale as Patrick Bateman playing a Wall Street executive in New York, but securely hides his narcissistic behavior and love for murder and prostitutes from his friends. This movie has some nudity and a huge amount of blood and death involved, and very...awkward moments of sitting through sexual trysts. And hearing Christian Bale say the va-jay-jay word made me burst out laughing out of my chair.

Magic Mike is the weirdest show I have ever seen. A bunch of male strippers dancing around and shaking their butts? I don't even know what to say. The best stripper was the one played by Matthew McConaughey. There's just something so desirable abut hearing dirty talk in a Southern accent.

Flashdance. Romance and dance in the 1970s. Loved it. Jennifer Beals practically popularized dancing in a leotard and leg warmers.

Up next, chick-lit marathon :D

What will it be if I decide to name my future son John Connor?

Oh. My. God.

American Psycho is the most psychotic, most disturbing movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

How can I think of Bruce Wayne now without thinking about Patrick Bateman and his psychotic gruesome behaviors?!

While I don't believe in coincidences, I don't exactly deny the existence of them. But I just got a text from Steffi that she just sent something over in the mail to me which in Germany, would be at around 4pm. And the funny thing is that I too, had sent her my parcel just this afternoon at 4pm as well.

Like I said, while I don't believe in coincidences, I don't exactly deny the existence of them.

I've made Christmas cards and sent in some bric-a-brac (lipgloss, earrings and sand from Santa Monica beach) to Steffi, Lisa and Sarita. Even though I'm not the one receiving them, I actually can't wait for them to get it. I think I'm glad I didn't give them full parcels instead where I'd have to pack stuff in a box. You pay according to how much the package weighs, and I paid $4 just one package. So that's $12, excluding the some other custom or postal fees or whatnot, so that the total of which I paid about $16. Regardless, I do hope they like it!

Have been feeling so flaccid lately, since I've stopped excessively working out as I did pre-treatment. I can't run as fast as I used to and my muscle strength has deteriorated. Today's gym session showed me that. Now that I'm still in the process of getting my eating and hunger rhythms back, I must say while I'm less obsessive about food and calorie as before, I'm still not happy with my body. Self-acceptance is a huge challenge for me, and I still avoid going out to social events, or just going out for whatever reasons, because I'm still so ashamed of how I look. While creating the cards for the girls, I actually got jealous, because they're so absolutely pretty with their East European and Nordic features while mine are just, crap. Why are some Chinese girls so pretty but I'm not? I end up looking like a freaking man. I love my dad but geez, I end up looking like him and I feel like a freak. I look in the mirror and I see my dad. Or at least, shades of him which actually make me despise myself even more.

Janet (the psychologist) and I have a lot to talk about during our next session. I've stopped confiding my thoughts and feelings to most people, including my aunt. My aunt will just tell my mother, and that is the last thing that I want, because my mother will ultimately turn it around and make it sound like I'm the one who caused the problem, I'm the one who's to blame for everything, and that I'm the useless failed child.

Which I probably am, but whatever. I was thinking about this on the way back from my gym session today and it made me think about my appointment at the private psychiatrist months ago, when my appointment at  SGH got pushed even further, and my mother decided to set up an appointment at a private clinic to sort of get things started. But that's a story for another blog post. I'm terribly fatigued, and am fully intending to watch a few minutes or so of American Psycho before turning it. And its not even 11pm!

Au revoir.

"Anne Hathaway, Jessica Biel, Gemma Arterton, Kate Mara, Charlotte Riley and Keira Knightley all auditioned for the role of Selina Kyle. After the initial audition process, Hathaway, Biel and Knightley all screen tested. Ultimately, Anne Hathaway won the role."

I don't believe this. Christopher Nolan passed up Keira Knightley for Anne Hathaway as Catwoman?! 

I've been dealing with a lot of negative feelings recently. Harsh ones. Anger, hurt, disgust, hatred, disappointment. More so especially today, after my first visit to the psychologist. 

The first session was pretty much a basic get to know you, and a general description of whatever problems I'm going through, but the psychologist asked me a question today that really had me thinking a lot about my relationship with my mother. 

We were in the middle of talking about the reasons for my desire to lose weight, and one of the reasons I came up was to look good. Then she asked me, "Why is it so important to look good?"

And I was stumped. For a full minute. I searched my brain for an answer, and honestly couldn't come up with one. Why do I want to look good? Well, everyone wants to look good right? But the problem is that my desire to look good has become so extravagant to the point of me developing an eating disorder. 

So the psychologist suggested that perhaps my reason to look good stems from a need to get attention from others, a need that wasn't fulfilled in childhood because as a middle child, my mother favors my taller, somewhat prettier older sister and devoted almost 100% of her time to care for my autistic sibling. With the fact that my father is a workaholic and never around when I was a child, and that my close friends growing up were popular among the amongst and I, conveniently left out as the ugly duckling, my way of getting attention was, is, to try to be as attractive as possible so they'd pay attention to me. 

Losing weight makes you look better, and so perhaps, according to her, I've taken that a tad too far with my Type A dominant over controlling personality and without the right information and the proper guidance and support, well, you've got yourself a girl with EDNOS. 

On the way home I started thinking of how this need developed, and how my mother contributed to it. Like for instance, how she always bought the best products for my sister and I got her second hand stuff, how she took my sister out shopping for makeup and high heels when I was forbidden from wearing them, but perhaps the worst of all, the one memory that I will never forget, is how she told me I will look ugly in a dress. 

Maybe she didn't mean it. Maybe she did. But honestly. Does it matter now? Frankly, yes. Because I've carried that tiny nugget of information, and internalized it and I have now used it to define myself. Ask another if she thinks she pretty. Some might just say no, for modesty's sake. Ask them again if they feel positive about themselves, care not what others perceive them, or whether they have a generally high self esteem. Chances are, they'd say yes. Me? My honest answer to all these questions would be a resounding no. 

I'm given homework: to think about the ideal figure that I want to be (of which I already know so let's just skip that), and my reasons for my low self worth. 

The latter made me angry. Because I relate back to my mother. And how controlling and dominant she was. How she always said her children are useless, how she always wished we'd get out the house as soon as possible, how smart we are for studying but still being so stupid at the same time, how she pressurized me to excel in academics do the point of suffocation. Literal. And again, I guess I've internalized whatever she said and it has led me to use those terms to define myself. 

All this reflection is now making me hate my mother more and more. And Im not sure what to do with this negative emotion. Do I confess to her my feelings? Blog about it? Just talk to the psychologist about it? Talk to my aunt about it? Or just sit in silence til the day I officially leave the nest where she can no longer control what I do? 

Honestly. I don't know. What would you do, if you were me?

updates #1 URECA, exchange and movies

Am down with a flu. Its absolutely killing me inside. But on the bright side, I've finished up the questionnaires for my research and sent them to my co-supervisor, Ms Shelly for vetting before she goes on leave on the 12th. I'm excited, yet dreading, having to create the other testing materials for this. Its going to so much strenuous work! I'd so love to elaborate on what I'm doing, but who knows I might end up testing the person reading this and he or she will know exactly what I'm doing and provide biased results! But all I can say this I'm actually pretty excited to be doing this because I'm the sole author of the research paper I'm doing because its an external idea that I proposed. I didn't select any of the projects that was listed in the URECA website because they were just downright dull. The ones offered in the Psyche department are just so blah. Autism, Facebook and preschool cognition just didn't get my juices rolling. I must have emailed like 10 different professors from both the Psyche and Socio department with my proposal who all had to turn me down because they were too busy. Finally I went to the Wee Kim Wee Communications School - because my proposal involved the development of popular culture on eating disorders - to see who would be interested and finally got directed to my supervisor, Professor May, who happens to do a lot of work on media and body image. Unfortunately, she wasn't familiar with eating disorders but body image was a suitable substitute for me, so here I am now. I just have to point out that Professor May looks startlingly like Vera Wang. And she dresses pretty well for a professor. Fitted pants and skirts, patterned scarfs and low heels. Neither shabby nor too Gaga.

So yeah, her, along with her research assistant,  are there just to guide me through the process, such as helping me straighten out the research, discuss the feasibility and look over the materials because honestly speaking, doing this along is more daunting what I did in TP because for starters, its at a more serious level. I'm dealing with more variables, designing my own procedure, creating my own questionnaires and stuff like that. Unlike MP where the materials were pretty much there already, I have to literally create from scratch, my own testing materials. Such as the questionnaires. And okay, I did take some from the Net, but there's one that I have to create and another that I'm thinking from ordering online. Its strenuous I can tell you, but I believe that at the end of day, it'll be really rewarding to know that I single handedly created my own independent research project.

I don't really like telling people I'm in URECA, because then they'll start going on with retarded shit like how you're so smart and stuff, because after all, it is true that only selected students get invited for this. But I don't want to pressurize myself with their comments. And grades aren't the be all and end all. Anyone can do research seriously, so I don't know why URECA has a cap GPA. Its ridiculous. But I can use it as a UE, and only as a Pass or Fail option.

So I spoke to my parents, separately, about the possibility of applying for an exchange. My mum didn't look pleased when I started telling her what an exchange entails because she knows that going to the US for an exchange, or anything else for that matter, is my dream. But to give her her due, I'm probably being a little inflexible because I didn't talk of doing it with Asia, and I do know that going to the States or toe Europe will put a strain on our finances. We're not rich okay! My dad just happens to be very organized with money. Which reminds me, after my final paper on the 4th, I met an exchange student from SMU who was asking me what the quickest way out of NTU was. We ended up taking the bus and train to Buona Vista together and I asked him why he had wanted to do a local exchange instead of going overseas, and he mentioned how its actually not financially sound to travel to Europe just for an exchange and pay $10 000. He believes that it should be spent for fun and travel, rather than just going there for an education, and so after the graduates next semester, he'll be backpacking with 2 of his friends to Europe for a few months with the same amount of money.

I think what he said got me thinking. For me, the purpose of an exchange, really is to experience an overseas educational culture. Of course I'd love to play and have fun overseas, but bearing in mind the costly expenses that it will entail, I'd really have to consider whether I'm, or rather, my parents, are willing to fork out at least $10 000 just so I can spend 4 months overseas.

My dad said he's willing to support me in going for an exchange, but he expressed the same sentiments as the SMU student.

Now I'm just questioning my reasons for wanting to go to the States/Europe. Deep down I know its because I just want to get out of Asia. I don't want to go to China, Korea, Japan or Hong Kong. I want to go to a Western country and live and breathe the life. I'm Asian, but not that Asian. Unfortunately (or not), I have not, and probably will never, outgrow this White superiority complex that I have. But just for the record, that does not make an SPG, like what some people might think. Okay its true that I want to have gorgeous babies with blue eyes. But I want to be with someone from the West because they're so much more open minded and liberal. I need someone who can please me. Intellectually. Asian men are too....conservative. Okay not all, but still. 

Plus I love American and British accents.

Geez I was watching Asia's Next Top Model, and this show is highly unentertaining. Its all so dull. I mean, where is the bitchiness? I want to see skinny bitches fighting and tearing each other and calling each other sluts and skunks and cunts and whores and backstabbing each other. All the girls in Asia's Next Top Model are all so dainty and blah. I gave up watching after a while. And for the record, the model from Malaysia and Singapore? Not pretty. They look like professional PRs in their photos instead of models, but the girls from Nepal and Thailand and Japan are pretty stunning. Or maybe its because they have American accents.

SEE THIS IS WHY I NEED/WANT TO GO ON EXCHANGE IN THE US. I AM BIASED AGAINST ASIAN ACCENTS WHICH IS STUPID BECAUSE I MYSELF I HAVE AN ASIAN ACCENT SO WHO AM I KIDDING? Geez woman go slap yourself or something.

Oh, and I finally managed to watch Taken, where Liam Neesan, who voices Aslan, plays a retired CIA agent, and travels to Paris to find his daughter who has been kidnapped by Albanians who traffic women. Best. Fucking. Show. Ever. Seriously guys who have to watch it. And I finally watched The Dark Knight Rises. It was okay. I guess. I think I had preferred Batman Begins, but Christian Bale is still so super hot and sexy and I still want to marry him and have his babies. I'm not sure what to think of the ending, because I honestly didn't like Anne Hathaway's portrayal of Catwoman. And her dialogue was just, off. She speaks the mind of a spunky woman instead of a mysterious sexy cat burglar.

And the new Bond girls? Totally disgusting. Holy Christ okay I know the producers are like we want to bring new fresh faces, but seriously, the new Bond girls that are with the new James Bond so aren't impressionable. COME ON PRODUCERS TOUGHEN THEM UP A BIT. Which leads me to my list of Favorite Female Mutants / Heroines

- Princess Tamina (Gemma Arteton) in The Prince of Persia
- Jean Grey (Famke Jansenn) in X Men
- Jinx (Halle Berry) in Die Another Day
- Selena Kyle (Michelle Pffifer) in Batman Returns
- Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) in X Men
- Anna (Kate Beckinsale) in Van Helsing
- Eowyn (Miranda Otto) in The Two Towers & The Return of the King
- Slim ( Jennifer Lopez) in Enough
- Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) in Pirates of the Caribbean
- Evelyn (Rachel Weisz) in The Mummy & The Mummy Returns
- Gracie Hart (Sandra Bullock) in Miss Congeniality
- Penny (Kelly Cuoco) in the Big Bang Theory

Yes. Penny is a heroine. End of story.

Oh and Tom Hardy's character as Bane? I'm sorry but I wasn't impressed by him. He just came off as a huge blocky and clunky characters roaming the streets. Not my favorite Batman villain to date. But I shall give a proper review of the Dark Knight Rises again in my next update!

But I think romance movies are probably the worst on my list. Like, I tried watching 500 Days of Summer. I honestly tried, but it was so boring oh my god I felt like I was wasting my time. I can't believe people actually like that movie. And Dear John. It seemed to involve a lot of moon gazing and tacky romance. Honestly, if a boy wants to impress me with a movie, he needs to bring me to an action movie. Like Speed, Taken, LOTR, Bad Boys, G.I Joe, which reminds me I have got to watch their sequel. I live on the fighting, the car chases, the gun shooting, the ass kicking. Or if he really wants to see a romantic movie, then it has to be a romantic comedy. Like The Proposal, or My Best Friend's Wedding.

I've been rewatching a whole lot of old movies as well. Like X-Men: First Class. I can't say that Jennifer Lawrence did a good job. All she did was just morph into different characters all the time. But hello Michael Fassbender (young Magneto) is dashing and I want to marry him to thank you very much. And the three X-Men movies. I'm so hurt that Cyclops was given less and less screen time with each movie. He's hot! Plus, I've come to realize that in many of Hugh Jackman's movies, he's always having to kill the women he loves, or women who love him. Like how he has to kill Jean Gray, how he almost killed Rogue, and how he killed Anna in Van Helsing. And after he kills them and the women faint, he catches them while he is standing there so it look like they're doing a highly elevated dip in a ballroom dance, with her head hanging limp and loose and he with his anguished face and muscular arms. Its deranged and funny at the same time.

I'd think I'd make a good film critic.

More updates soon.

Am off to watch Batman Begins again!

Okay so, I know what I said I'd update you about what's been going on in my uninteresting life, but holy gadzooks I'm am officially such a schmuck.

So there I was innocently writing some Christmas cards and my mum came in to see what I was up to so I showed her the cover of the cards that I got when suddenly she reached out for my arm and asked "What's this on your hand?" And immediately I whipped both my hands behind my back and said "Nothing".

And so she repeatedly asked me to show her my arms and I just kept shaking my hand furiously, thinking to myself how stupid I was to have not put my jacket sleeve down, and for how I careless I was, and how there is absolutely no way in hell I was going to get out of this one. My heart was hammering so much that I thought I was about to have a heart attack.

So my mother calmly just said that I could either show it to her now, or she'd wait til I'd fall asleep and see my arm because either way she's going to win and we both know it. And after a long while I just grudgingly brought my arm out to let her see the damning word words that I had cut on my forearm. She looked at it, and asked to see my other arm and then I put my arm on the table and she started to pull my jacket sleeve up and inspecting my entire arm and finally asked "Why?"

I wasn't sure if it was the calm way that she said it, or if its because I was so annoyed at myself that I got caught, or because I felt guilty, but I just couldn't muster the courage to say anything. But I managed to choke out "I was just not feeling happy" (Big Lie Number 1). Then she asked me if I knew what this was, and I said "Cutting." and the word just tasted like poison in my mouth. And it sounded so raw, like fingernails on a chalkboard. So now she asked me what I used to cut my arm, and I choked out "Erm, my pencil" (Big Lie Number 2), and there a long pause where we both said nothing to each other and I thought to myself, so this is what guilt really is like. Its painful silence.

And finally she said why such an intelligent girl like myself (me? intelligent? HAHA) would do something like this, and all I could just reply lamely was that I was just sad. And then she asked where else I did this and I told her none (Big Lie Number 3). She definitely didn't believe me because she reasoned that if I could do it on my arm, then I'd have the capability of doing it elsewhere, but what was I supposed to do? Lift up my shirt and let her see the damning evidence that she wants and doesn't want to see at the same time? So I just said no, I didn't do it anywhere else and that I'd really try not do it again (I really do mean this one).

And all this time while the conversation was going I couldn't look at her in the eye and instead focused my gaze on my laptop screen and pretending to log in to the URECA site to update my research hours (man I have got to log in more hours). And so finally she just said that she hoped that my visit to to psychologist would straighten things out and that I won't need to deal with this anymore, then she finally left and I just sat there like a rock trying to process everything that just happened. No doubt she's texting our family friend to tell her what she found out. I honesty am not bothered by what she tells him, but I just pray that she wouldn't tell my dad about this because given his strict conservative values, he'd definitely think I'm nuts and have issues (which technically I do), and in the extremist way.

All this drama is giving me a headache. I wish I were back in the security of my childhood, where I cared nothing about how much I weighed or how much I looked.

Back to my body image report. How ironic that I know the nuts and bolts about the mechanics of body image after weeks of researching, but I still cannot use the information to help my own self.

Done with finals! The stress of it all has taken its toll on my weathered soul and I crave the intimacy of reading books that will transport port me to a magical world. Its time to put my last remaining book voucher to use and spend a good few hours at Kinokuniya and drinking in the goodness of books.

I know I haven't updated in a while. But yes, I've been busy with finals, and school and now all my efforts are being funneled into my research paper for body image for URECA, and focusing on getting better from EDNOS. Shall update in a bit once I've managed to get a headstart on my interim report and qustionnaires for URECA.

In the meantime, look at what my milkshake brought to my yard:

what I've been diagnosed with. I cried after watching this.