While I don't believe in coincidences, I don't exactly deny the existence of them. But I just got a text from Steffi that she just sent something over in the mail to me which in Germany, would be at around 4pm. And the funny thing is that I too, had sent her my parcel just this afternoon at 4pm as well.

Like I said, while I don't believe in coincidences, I don't exactly deny the existence of them.

I've made Christmas cards and sent in some bric-a-brac (lipgloss, earrings and sand from Santa Monica beach) to Steffi, Lisa and Sarita. Even though I'm not the one receiving them, I actually can't wait for them to get it. I think I'm glad I didn't give them full parcels instead where I'd have to pack stuff in a box. You pay according to how much the package weighs, and I paid $4 just one package. So that's $12, excluding the some other custom or postal fees or whatnot, so that the total of which I paid about $16. Regardless, I do hope they like it!

Have been feeling so flaccid lately, since I've stopped excessively working out as I did pre-treatment. I can't run as fast as I used to and my muscle strength has deteriorated. Today's gym session showed me that. Now that I'm still in the process of getting my eating and hunger rhythms back, I must say while I'm less obsessive about food and calorie as before, I'm still not happy with my body. Self-acceptance is a huge challenge for me, and I still avoid going out to social events, or just going out for whatever reasons, because I'm still so ashamed of how I look. While creating the cards for the girls, I actually got jealous, because they're so absolutely pretty with their East European and Nordic features while mine are just, crap. Why are some Chinese girls so pretty but I'm not? I end up looking like a freaking man. I love my dad but geez, I end up looking like him and I feel like a freak. I look in the mirror and I see my dad. Or at least, shades of him which actually make me despise myself even more.

Janet (the psychologist) and I have a lot to talk about during our next session. I've stopped confiding my thoughts and feelings to most people, including my aunt. My aunt will just tell my mother, and that is the last thing that I want, because my mother will ultimately turn it around and make it sound like I'm the one who caused the problem, I'm the one who's to blame for everything, and that I'm the useless failed child.

Which I probably am, but whatever. I was thinking about this on the way back from my gym session today and it made me think about my appointment at the private psychiatrist months ago, when my appointment at  SGH got pushed even further, and my mother decided to set up an appointment at a private clinic to sort of get things started. But that's a story for another blog post. I'm terribly fatigued, and am fully intending to watch a few minutes or so of American Psycho before turning it. And its not even 11pm!

Au revoir.