i look gross.

i want to sleep and not wake up.

Its funny how I say I suck at dance.

Because whenever I'm in my room. I go crazy.

My movements are definetly much bigger.

And I feel different.

Because no one is watching me.

My expression is different. My feel is different.

I feel lighter when I dance at home.

Maybe its because of the clothes I'm wearing to dance. And the whole shoes thing.

Because.

I dance without shoes at home so I feel lighter and move more freely and comfortably.

It's not that I suck. It's not that I'm not thinking out the box.

It's that in my current situation, I can't. Because of the clothes or the shoes.

What am I going to do. Shit. I need to think of a solution. Or maybe I should do a Psych student and draft a FILA chart for this problem.

Hip Hop training with Gin resumed today.
She taught us this really dope choreo to this really ghetto song.
But I totally bombed her choreo.
I really was THAT bad.
It's like.
I sucked so badly.
It seemed that everyone else could get the choreo,
and they looked so freakin' cool doing it.
And I looked like a fucking clown doing it.
Gin said we were good.
Obviously I was somewhere within her blind spot.

I felt so disappointed after trg.
I just blanked out.
Mel brought homemade chocolate covered almonds.
The serotonin rush cheered me up.
I stayed at the squash court and watched the guys learn the iCool choreo.
It was pretty much bimbotic.
But funny and cool to watch.

Extra reggae practice at 1.30pm.
I realized after that I'm just an avergae dancer. Neither good nor bad. Just so-so.
I don't stand out or anything.

Am in a current state if depression now.
Watched the ending of the first half of The Two Towers on Channel 5 just now.
Aragorn just fell off the cliff.
Dang.
Of all scenes to end with, it ended with my husband falling to his supposed death.

I wish I had started dancing like years ago.

read between the lines. we're all good at that.

some thoughts are better left unspoken.

zomg. they're still arguing about the whole boyfriend thing. if you ask me, i think my mum's right about the current situation. my sister is seriously dumb. well, now i know i can't be having a boyfriend until i turn 21. my mum will probably be all over it and besides, i'll probably be caught up with school work and all. my dad probably won't give a rat's ass about what's going on in my life, since he missed out almost 8 years of it when I was growing up.

i want to crawl into bed, shut up eyes and drift off to deep and dreamless sleep. sometimes dreams can be disturbing and leaves you wondering about the next day. frued says dreams represent the conscious bit of our lives that have unwittingly crept into the unconscious.

i want to crawl into bed, shut up eyes and drift off to deep and dreamless sleep. but my hair is still wet, and i'm opposed to the usage of hairdryers. maybe i'll provide a leeay just this once. i'm seriously tired. i need my bolster.

or maybe i just want that someone i've been thinking about for a while now.

Resumed Modern trg today. Modern classes are no from 6 to 8pm instead of 5pm to 6.30pm. Apparently Ryan wants to combine all three classes after our dismal performance of his choreo to Thinking of You, by Katy Perry.

So today the juniors and seniors were all in the studio. Ryan went through some of our techniques and then for some reason, he wanted us to do a choreography. He taught like a few eights. And it was fast. At least for me, it was pretty fast. I mean I could catch the steps and all, but they ere all messy and weird. When he made us split into groups, according to the color our of shirts, I was so intimidated because it seemed that the others could do the steps right. I felt so... crap.

And so Ryan was disappointed again and lectured us on our commitment and our focus and all. I mean, I really did try, but it wasn't enough. And I'm still not used to catching choreography in like 2 minutes flat.

Won't say no more. I'm feeling sorry for myself right now.

Atmosphere at home is tense right now. Apparently Mum chanced upon my sister's diary entry about an episode with her new boyfriend, and Mum is not happy with it. I'm praying that neither of them will come into the study room - of which I'm in now - and leave me in peace so that the fury won't spill into my current safe haven.

I still cannot believe the sister has a boyfriend. Seeing the words 'sister' and 'boyfriend' in the same sentence doesn't sit right with me.

I can't decide who I adore more. The big one or the little one. Both are cute and gorgeous and simply take my breath away * gives exasperated sigh because she wants both *

Anyway, first day of school was kinda cool. Yours truly was hyped up about going back to school. After weeks of seeing the Mushroom deserted, it felt weird seeing it crammed with students. Met some of the HSS people there as well and it was fun seeing them again.

Assessment and Personality is being taught by this new lecturer. Dr Kelvin Lee reminds me of a sleepy bear that just got roused out of hibernation. A & P sounds pretty dry to me, based on the rough outline we were introduced to. Hopefully I can ace this subject. Jess, QianHui and I had a break from 11am to 1pm, since we weren't taking Child Psych, so we decided to crash lecture and chill at the top seats.

Was supposed to go for dance clean up actually at 2, but something came up at home and I had to go off. Besides, there were a lot of people who weren't from HH2 there, so I didn't know how they were going to practice.

Went for Health Psychology lecture today. Went around the IT/AS block in one circle today with Komathi, because she was convinced it wasn't at the ILZ. Apparently it was, though at the consultation room. Health Psych seems pretty much OKAY. Something along the lines of how illness and disease affects one's psychological well being and all.

After that I went to hunt for stupid yellow shirts from Giordano, of which the cutting is HUGE by the way. But I need a red tank top and yellow shirt for Reggae. Plus an orange tee for HH2. I still have no idea where to find an orange tee. I suggested yellow, but Zheng Yi commented that we would look like bumble bees. Bummer. Besides, we Reggae dancers will be using yellow as well.

Oh and I also decided to compensate my lack of shopping during the holidays and bought some stuff to wear. Like, a black tank and grey cardigan from Cotton On, and this blouse that's cut at the shoulders from Dorothy Perkins. And this awesome pair of hoop earrings that's very tribal-ish from DIVA.

Big earrings are the sex <3

I have decided to resume Modern dance classes tomorrow. I've been missing them for quite a while. I don't want Badd or Joycelyn to crucify me. I surprised myself just now by doing a piroutte without losing my balance or slipping. But after my shower, I tried again, but I lost it. Dang.

Blogskin test number 2495038550583

I can't seem to find the right skin. I just CANNOT. I found a few actually, but they were tweaked in certain ways which I so did not like. Shall keep searching, testing and trying until I find the one. This one's weird, because the margins below extend all the way to the side and I can't figure out what to do with it.

Had Amazing Race with TPDE yesterday. It was major fun.
My group was Group 6 a.k.a The Bubble Tea Group, because we stopped halfway for bubble tea!
And we came in first!
Whoo!
Consisting of Farhanah, Zheng Yi, Anabel, Shir Lyn, Frankie and I.
With Badd as our leader.
Badd's really cool and funny (:
I SO LOVE MY GROUP SERIOUSLY.

We all had to run around like crazy.
From Orchard to Cathay, to the Illuma, to O School and to East Coast Park.
The games were so freaking fun. And the bonding times were major awesome.

There were things like:

# Posing with 6 figurines outside the Prada flagship store at Ion and free styling after that.

# The piggyback-ing at that Cathay

# Attempting to learn 4 eights of choreo at O School which was a bit of a disaster for me, because
there was some weird footwork that resembled B-boying which I couldn't quite catch.

and the best were the games at East Coast where all the real fun seriously began.

1. burying Frankie in the sand and having to carve a mermaid figure. Zheng Yi did the honors of
moulding the mismatched boobs. it was hilarious.

2. having to douse ourselves in the sea and wrench the water out of our clothes to fill the bucket.

3. transporting water bombs from one end to the other with garbage bags

4. creating costumes for Farhanah and Zheng Yi

Then when all the other groups came, we divided into 2 groups and played Dog and Bone. Each person in a group is assigned a number. Two pails filled to the brim with seawater are placed in the middle with a water bottle inside one of them. When your number is called out, you have to quickly haul yourself to the bucket and grab the bottle and then pour the water onto your opponent.

It was so hilarious. When my number was called, I sprinted to the bucket and the senior who had the same number as I grabbed the bottle the same time as I did. And we literally wrestled for the bottle to the ground and crushed the poor bottle.

Then we all had an opportunity to throw water bombs at the team that came in last. But it was all fun. Then the seniors started hauling bucketloads of water at all of us. I was so soaked to the skin.

Since we came in first, we got like bag full of goodies. Like chips and chocolate and gummies. It was a lot, so we shared it with everyone else. The seniors also called in Canadian Pizza for dinner.
It was such a cool experience for me. Seriously I felt so much like my own self during the race. I was really high and enthusiastic and couldn't stop talking. Unlike training sessions for HH, when I was rather quiet and reserved.

Anyway, You Jing and I left together since we were both shagged out. We went to Parkway Parade to search for her yoga mat, but it wasn't available in pink so we left. Some of the others were going to Soka to watch Tiffany, Sheral, Marcus and Jui Hsin perform. I wanted to go, but I suffered from brain fag from all the running around that I just wanted to go home and sit and sleep until morning.

I went home, ate a bit and IM'd Joe til about 12.30am before I decided to hit the hay.

School starts tomorrow, with a lecture called Assessment and Personality at 9am.
I remember a chapter about Personality in Foundation Psych.
And did not enjoy it.
I didn't bother to study that chapter when the exams came.
And now its a core subject.
Oh God.
On the plus side, I don't have a CDS, since I completed 3 already.
I took French in Sem 1.2, Global Citizenship during the holidays and Transnational Studies in 2.1

I've been so caught up with training sessions for Comm Based project that I haven't found the time to go shopping. Like buying stuff and whatever. Maybe tomorrow after school I'll go and buy some stuff. I also need to get costumes for the performance.

I want to watch the following before school starts

1. Pride & Prejudice (the one with Keira and Matthew, not Emma and Collin)
2. Rush Hour
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.
4. The Matrix

I was cleaning out my files in my laptop when I chanced upon the codes for this current blogskin I'm using right now. This is the very first blogskin I used when Shoe helped me set up my blog last year.

Anyway, I've a load of crap in my laptop. Stupid word documents and pictures that I seriously don't need and all.

Just logged in to TP Portal to see the new timetable. It looks pretty all right, except for Thursdays because I have Counselling tutorial from 6pm to 8pm. It sucks because this means I cannot attend my Reggae classes at O School anymore. Bummer.

Had a performance run through for dance yesterday. It went pretty all right. I suppose the videos helped me become more aware of what I'm doing wrong. I realize that my hands tend to fly around sometimes. Need to work on that.

After dance, I was waiting for Tiffany because she had a debrief session with her group so I hung around in the studio for a bit with some of the juniors. Tiffany and I tried teaching a figure 8 - which is a Reggae technique - to the guys. But they couldn't get it right. Oh well. And Leslie showed me his insanely cool waving techniques. I like the way he does a ripple wave. I tried softening a simple hand wave, but didn't fully hit it on the spot and Melissa was helping me with it. I wanna learn popping. Seriously because I like the idea of doing an illusion-based dance.


TPDE is having this Amazing Race outing tomorrow, from 10am to 4pm. We're meeting first at some Scape Park and I have absolutely no idea what the hell that is. I gotta go figure it out. And what am I supposed to wear anyway? Dang.

If I were a Disney character, I would be Pocahontas. Because she gets to snag John Smith and also because she's so strong and independent with a mindset of her own and not afraid to show her own through colors. Her confidence and self esteem shine through her words and that's what I love about her the most. Also, I get to talk to an ageing tree which dispenses advice when I need it to, and I make friends with lots of animals and sing really well.

If I had lots of money, and could splurge on only one item for my home, I'd buy a huge marble bathtub, equipped with in-built heater, along with drinks and magazines/books holder. I love the idea of lolling around in the tub, sipping an icy cold drink and reading Cleo magazine in warm water. I heard that being in warm water for a few minutes lowers your core temperature and brings your hear rate down, making you feel more relaxed. Just what I need everyday.

If I had a superpower, I would want to be able to fly. So I can go to wherever I want to and get away from reality for a bit.

If I could have any pet I want, I'll want a wolf. They emit a sexy and mysterious vibe that sends chills.

If I could buy underpants for my future husband, I'd get him boxers. I prefer men wearing boxers. Don't ask me why. Underwear-wearing men frighten me sometimes. Boxers are simple and sweet, yet sexy and masculine. Whenever I see male underwear models, I feel like bursting into laughter.

If I could be a super heroine, I'd be Mystique, because she's sexy, confident and comfortable about being naked. Plus, she kicks some serious ass and I can shape-shift into Scarlett or Angelina anytime I want to get the feel-sexy perks whenever I want to. Or I'll turn into Billy Ray Cyrus and throttle Miley Cyrus to death because I do not like her. Or maybe into Bella and break Robert Pattinson's heart, because he is not good looking, not matter what Wei Min, Mary and Dian says. Or I'll turn in Simon Cowell and insult Taylor Swifts's singing just to get the kicks out of it, and also because I do not like her genre of the blend of pop and country.

It's Friday today. I don't feel like doing anything right now. But I need to practice like some dance stuff again. I think everyone in TPDE has improved, but not me. Shit.

If I could nickname my boobs, I'd name them Posh and Becks. Don't ask me why.

Thomas: And one day, you kissed me. Time went by, time flew. And everything
seemed so easy, so simple, so free, so new, so unique.

Mr. Darcy: If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once.

My affections and wishes have not changed. But one word from

you will silence me forever. lf, however, your feelings have changed I

would have to tell you, you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I

love… I love… I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this

day on.

This little boy is so cute. The only time I ever called the police was when I was 7 years old and begging the guy to come to my house to arrest my sister because she took my Barbie. Thankfully my mum explained the situation to the police officer.

Anyway, round 3 of vetting with the seniors was today at like 4pm. I had Reggae first from 9 to 11am and HH2 til 3pm. We cleaned up Nicole's choreo and learnt her formation. Sadly, when it came for Ghetto to perform, somehow we screwed up. Each of us forgot some steps or messed up in some way or another. Apparently some of the seniors commented that my hands were shaking during Reggae. Which was weird, because I didn't feel them shaking, though I was definitely nervous before it came for performance time.

Then HH2 didn't go too well. All of us were pretty sad after that. Many of us were like crying, because we were so disappointed in ourselves. So after debrief we all went home and started sending each other cheer up texts and stuff. I can't believe we only have 1 more week of training before we perform. We seriously have to get it right this time round. We really need this.

FOCUS. DRIVE. DETERMINATION.

It's Sunday tomorrow. No training. Thank goodness. My right knee is seriously aching. I think its all the bending from Reggae that caused it. I hope my knee doesn't give way.

HipHop Two

That's us, the ghetto dancers. My group members simply rock (:

Will it be all right if I say I want to lose weight?

No. I'm being honest and truthful. So there.

I found Bad Boys II on youtube today and I was delirious its one of my favourite movies ever. It's an action film. Rather violent though, but I seriously love action films. Anyway, its about these 2 undercover cops, played by Will Smith and Martin Lawrence - who work with the TNT - Tactical Narcotics Department - with the Miami Dad Police Department. And they're off to catch this Latino drug boss who's about to pull this huge drug heist.

This movie is cool, because:

#1 Almost all the main characters are male and they're in uniform
#2 Some of them are Latino, and they're bloody sexy, except for the bad guy because he has long hair
#3 It gives me an adrenaline high


After watching the movie I decided that it might not be a bad idea to have a husband who is Latino and a cop. Not your regular policemen patrolling the streets at night and carrying batons. But those higher ranking ones who work with the FBI and help to bust drug heists and stuff. Kind of like SWAT. Come to think of it. Men in SWAT uniform are simply drop dead sexy.

Then again, I suppose if I could pick the perfect husband, he would have several qualities, for instance:

1. Will tell me I look beautiful even when I'm crying or pouting or having gained weight or simply not having a good day.

2. Willingly let me give me a facial and not complain just so he can see the smile on my face when
I see he looks fresh and squeaky glowing after that

3. Is a superb cook

4. Can play the guitar and sing.

5. Makes me laugh and gives unexpected surprises at the most unexpected moments.

6. Asks me how my day and willing to lend an ear to vent my frustrations when I need to
without complaining

7. Speaks Spanish so that he can teach me the language <3

Most of all, he has to be loving. And masculine with man hands so that I feel protected. Yeah I'd wanthim to be protective of me too. Sometimes whenever I see romantic movies, be it comedies or not, I wonder whether this whole mantra of "love at first sight" really is applicable and existential, even though I learnt in Developmental Psychology that it technically isn't possible. Sometimes I read in magazines that couples fall in love at first sight. Personally speaking, I do not believe in love at first sight. Joe says that when it comes to romance, I think with my head. Not my heart. He's right. But - even if I say so myself - when I have feelings for someone - and eye candies or whatever terms being used - but like serious crushes or whatever - I fall hard and retain the same feelings for a long time. I think that when I'm in love, I see the world through my own lenses. It's like I'm so wrapped up in my own dreams and fantasies, I forget about reality.

My first crush was in primary school and it lasted approximately a year. Second was in secondary 3. Lasted approximately 10 months. Third was in secondary 4 and lasted at an estimate of 1 and a half years. Unfortunately all three of them didn't have a smooth journey. My second crush hurt me so much, I lost all self esteem and self confidence for a while. Thankfully my friends, like Jia Li and Sue and Joe were there to support me and all. I think my experience with that made me more hesitant about this whole romance thing. Like how come the good guys fall for bitches and stuff and break your heart and wrench your guts and make you feel like you'll never find a nice and decent guy.

Dang, I wish that I could - for once - live my own fairytale. I mean, for as long as I can remember, I've seen friends through their relationships with their boy or girlfriends and I want it to be my turn.

I live my love life like the movie, Pretty Woman. Julia Roberts and I both want the fairytale. Hopefully I'll have the same surprisingly happy ending like her and marry my rich gorgeous billionarie one day - though I do not think that Richard Gere is good looking. His features are too soft. Not masculine enough. Thinkg Eric Bana in Troy, or Viggo Mortensen in Lord of the Rings. Come to think of it. It's been a long time since I watched LOTR. Hmmm.

Kate and I were talking about what we want in potential boyfriends before belly dance class started today. It was fun thinking of the perfect boyfriend. I proposed a European guy, tall and scruffy - think slight stubble - with masculine forearms. I want him to be a smooth talker, because I like guys who speak well and confidently. Kate pointed out that usually guys with stubbles are older.

Well I like older guys. Not those who are old enough to be your dad or something, because that would be gross. Maybe like 4 years older or something. I would prefer to date an older guy actually, because I find them much more mature than guys my own age. No offence to younger guys, but its true most of the time.

I do know a couple of guys my own age who are pretty mature, but still. I want my own fairytale. But realistically speaking, I think the most important thing in a boyfriend would be that he has to be loving and loyal, kind and understanding.

Anyway, dance went all right today. We learnt the formation for Lavone's choreo. It was rather amusing, yet interesting, since it's my first time actually doing a formation. I swear, I need to get proper dance shoes. My current ones are like 1 or 2 sizes too large and I can't dance in them properly. Maybe I'll go hunt for a pair of Baby Phat shoes during the weekend. Plus proper dance pants as well. I'm getting rather sick and tired of wearing basketball shorts.

Then came extra Reggae practice, which also went rather well. Audrey cleaned up her choreo, and Shauna changed some of her steps which I'm more comfortable with I think, even though the previous ones were really cool. Was supposed to have extra HH practice at 3 with Nicole after Reggae but I had to go off. The mother's getting extremely upset that I'm off dancing every day.

Frustrations.

Nicole taught new choreo. Damn. Hopefully I can quickly learn them tomorrow. I can't afford to lag behind.

On a completely random note, I want thicker hair. Like, it was much thicker in the past as compared to right now. But ever since my extremely drastic haircut on my last birthday and the whole EDNOS shit, it never quite grew back the same.

Remorse.

I wanna learn popping.

2nd October 2009 officially marks my relapse of my quarter life crisis, and its only been 2 months. The first was during RMB tutorial, when Mr Tan was telling us about Assignment 1 and how he knows that people have asked the better ones to lend them their work and getting full marks. Whereas mathematically challenged people like me went to borrow SPSS books from the library to try and figure out which functions to use and slogging my butt out and ended up getting like 60%.

That was when poor Janell Kwok had to bear witness to my very unsightly breakdown. I wonder if I looked ugly, with tears running down my face and burying said face in Janell's tissues.

Anyway, yesterday was not a good day. First, we were all late. Well I actually arrived at 8.20, but I went to the washroom first. And I didnt report to Nicole first. So it was my mistake. Today Nicole lectured us about punctuality and I felt super guilty and was so remorseful about what I did, I couldn't even LOOK at Nicole and Fahan, let alone say anything, because my excuse was SO DAMN LAME. Like hello?
Then after that we each voiced our opinions about our showcase yesterday. In the middle of my part, I admitted I can't exactly do a proper body wave and I swear to God, the moment I said that, I felt so pathetic. Like, everyone can do it but I can't and I feel as though I'm the one pulling my group down.

After the whole lecture, Jui Hsin was an angel to demonstrate a proper body wave to Wei Jie and I. He commented that I wave too fast =/ Dang. Okay. I need to practice.

THEN, after that it was time for us to learn Nicole's choreo after HH2 training. She taught like the first eight or something. Which I could catch, though a little messy. THEN we all had to show to her how to do the first step. Which is like this jump and having to kick out your right leg at the same time.

So everyone could do it. But not me. Nicole and Fahan were standing in front of me. The rest were looking at me. My heart was racing. I couldn't do what Nicole wanted. I was so freakin' afraid that she might lash out at me or something. The atmosphere was major tense and I was extremely aware of my inability to execute that step. And then came my second quarter life crisis. I just burst into hot tears and couldn't stop sobbing for like 17 seconds.

Honestly, who knew I needed so much time just to get that step and try so hard til I cry? Seriously I felt so useless when I couldn't even get the FIRST step right. Like what the hell. I felt so ashamed. I can't possibly describe how I felt there and then, because its just so surreal. In my mind, I was like, "I'm the girl who can't do a proper body wave, and now I can't even perform the first - FIRST - step. What am I doing in such a great and hype club like TPDE? I'n not good enough to be in TPDE!"

Yeah so basically I was so broken up inside. And the worse was that I was having a fever and I felt even more sick. So Nicole showed me the way to practice her step at home. She broke it doqn simply and I paid attention carefully like a 5 year old who just failed an exam and wanting to make it up.

Nicole had to go for work so we stopped at around 2. And Amanda and Keshia and Melissa were telling me to chill and don't stress out. They were all so sweet. I took my towel and went up to the sports complex and just sat at the bench by myself for like 10 minutes or so. I had to be by myself for a while to calm myself down and just refocus and think things through.

Then came Reggae at 3pm. And it was like rubbing salt into infected wounds. Shauna and Audrey were so disappointed with our performance. Shauna's comment for me was that, if I could give in so much energy for HH2, why couldn't I for Reggae? She said I was too soft.

I felt that I really did quite a lot, for the whole hitting harder thing. I don't know. I'm so confused, seriously and just tired and frustrated. I felt like shit, because I'm letting my friends - Shauna and Nicole and Hakeem - down for my sucky performance. I felt so rotten.

And Audrey spoke in quivering voice that threatened tears which, in turn threatened the onset of a third quarter life crisis.

Audrey cleaned up her choreo during practice. She changed a few steps. Hopefully when we perform in front of Gin tomorrow - VETTING - it'll be okay. We only did the full-out with the edited steps like 3 times. So I'm not sure if it was sufficient.

Keshia ( from my HH2 item, who's fantastic at dance ) sent me a cheer up / devotional email, encouraging me and telling me about God and all. I was moved because it was an extremely thoughtful gesture. She's such a doll. Plus, the rest of my HH2 peeps are all awesome, helping me with some steps. if I did it wrongly and always encouraging each other and doing kooky stuff. I love them seriously.



I need to cheer myself up:

And I agree with Kanye West. Besides, did you see Wesly Snipes in the movie, Chaos? Dang he was so smooth!

Vetting tomorrow, by Gin. Oh gosh. Okay okay think positive. Think like Keshia. God will bless me and guide me. I trust in Him.

Vetting today. Not a good experience. I was abysmal. I actually FORGOT some steps for the reggae routine during the second showcase when we did so without looking at the mirror. I forgot them steps.

I feel like such a letdown and a loser. I'm really so disappointed in myself. I feel so dejected and depressed and demoralized.

I just want stuff my face with chocolate and sleep and never wake up again. Today is such a horrid day for me, I can't even possibly describe how I feel.

I hate me. I don't care what people say about needing to love yourself or believing in the Lord or something. Right now, I just need my own time without thinking about anyone. I just want to drown my sorrows right now in chocolate and whatever.

Had a bad headache when I was on the bus home. Am having a fever now. I feel listless.

I hate my life.