Zounds I cam across this song when I was surfing my mum's itunes on the desktop and decided to search for the music video of One in a Million, by Bosson. I remember this being my favourite song - among others - in primary school, with several of my classmates. It like it the It Song during those days.

Finished up Audrey's choreo today. I swear I suffered from a sever bout of brain fag because I could not process her choreo as well as I could as in other trainings. I mean I know the steps. But I don't know why I seem to get stuck. Like I said, brain fag.

Then had extra HH2 and Reggae practice from 12ish to around 4.

I was practicing Audrey's choreo repeatedly just now while watching Sweet Home Alabama. Managed to get the steps. Will try again before I go to bed. Hopefully I don't forget my steps for tomorrow's vetting. Our grand seniors will be coming to see how we are so far and I really hope it all goes well. I wanna get this right.

My dad just came into the room as I was blogging and all of a sudden he sprouts “Serene, let me ask you this question. I want to know what you 17 and 18 and 19 year olds think. What do you think, about Goh Chok Tong becoming the next President of Singapore?”

I was like 0_0. I’m sorry. What?

So I said I don’t know, because I mean I didn’t even KNOW about this. And my dad gave this really huge sigh and started lecturing me about not knowing about Singapore’s past and how I don’t know about some Tharnum guy and how I should get more involved in Singapore’s politics.

The truth is, I tried reading about Singapore and her politics. But it got so boring. I mean honestly, do I look like the person even remotely interested in what happened to our country 1000 years ago? Sure my dad’s in the generativity stage of Erikson’s theory, but who knew it came up unhealthy side effects for the younger generation he is trying to influence?

So my dad went on and on about this and I just stared at the screen like a mute and hoping the floor would open up and swallow him, or that my mum would come and bail me out from my dad’s lectures like she always does. Whenever he has suck talks with my siblings and I, she comes to our rescue, because he doesn’t speak English at all. Oh yeah tax rebates are so the highlight of my life. Pardon my language, but right now, I honestly don’t give a flying fuck about politics. I have much bigger problems to think about.

Oh god. HH2 training tomorrow at 8.30am, to 12.30pm. Reggae from 1 to 2.30pm. Hip Hop finale from 3pm to 5pm. Vetting from 5pm onwards. Reggae again at O School at 8pm. Am wondering if I should just go home after vetting. I mean I'm really shagged out.

My mind is made up.

I need to sleep.

Had Hip Hop 2 trg today at 9am. Managed to clean up Farhan's choreo and after lunch, we cleaned up Lavone's choreo and I think we improved. Room for more of cours - as a group - such as synchronization, strength and sharpness etc. But I think individually, we each improved in certain areas that we were lacking. Like being more familiar with how some steps should be.

From the cleaning up session, I realized that I always break my hold of my wrists. I was wondering why I kept doing that, until I had belly dance in the evening. Whilst executing the new choreo that my teacher had taught, there are times when we have to twist out wrists around so the hold breaks whenever I dance HH.

GAH. I need to stop incorporating belly dance into Reggae. Shauna says I'm too soft, because I keep incorporating belly dance techniques into Reggae. Belly dance is more soft and feminine. Reggae is soft at times, but because Shauna and Audrey's choreo requires sharp and deft movements, I tend to...yeah you know what I mean. I think I can still improve on Reggae. There's this one bit in Shauna's choreo that's pretty quick and that we have to turn on the spot and quickly do the next move. The problem is, whenever I turn on the left ankle, it hurts, because there's a bone jutting out, so when I put pressure on it - like when I have to turn on the spot - it simply hurts and I end up losing my balance. Sometimes, I get the timings all wrong and I feel so fed up I feel like banging my head against the wall.

Practice Practice Practice! First vetting's on Thursday! I heard it's in the evening, which I really hope isn't, because I have Reggae at 8pm =/ OH OH OH and today during belly dance, Susanah - my teacher - asked us to take part in this performance at a community centre at Ang Mo Kio! It's going to be on the 22nd of November and we have to start practicing soon. IThis means I really really REALLY need to go and get myself a new proper hip scarf. I've been assigned to a drum choreography. It's one that we did before, except that because I had TNS, I missed out 3 lessons and thus, most of the choreo. Hopefully next week, Bao Yan can teach me the steps again and refresh my memory. I got the gist of it, but scaffolding should help me get better (: At least, I hope it does. The piece is pretty tiring.

Oh gosh dance again tomorrow. 9am. I hate it when it's in the morning. I'd rather have it at 10am. 9am is just too early, because of the whole morning rush traffic and having to wake up at 7am =/

I shall go watch The Nanny while I wait for my hair to dry. I REFUSE to use the hairdryer. If I do, I have to flick my hair around and my hair ends up bushy and wild, as though it's out of control. People have asked, but again I REFUSE to straighten my hair. Not that I detest straight hair. It looks nice on certain people, but not me.

I straightened it a few times in the past before, and I hated how I looked. So not me. I like having my wavy black hair tyvm. It's one of the traits I inherited from my Indonesian grandmother. We both think good looking men look even gorgeous in good looking suits. We both think they're hot in uniform - think army / police uniform. We both like scruffy rugged men. This reminds me. I need to continue my research for my book - Porn for Serene.

peace out. i need deep sleep right now.

.

Wouldn't that be cool if it were true. It'll be like talking to a boy. Talking to them with the sole purpose off letting off steam and no, I don't need you to tell me what to do. I just need to get it out of my system tyvm.

This is just adorable.

I love this picture.

It features both two of my favourite entities in the universe.

A dog AND a toddler.

Doesn't this picture make you want to sprint out the house right now and get a lovely pet dog right this instant?

Have been having dance this past two weeks every single day of the week except Sunday. I think I can still work on a lot. I'm still not as good as I want myself to be. Like, my movements have to be sharper and I need to give in more controlled strength.

Every time we showcase at the end of the practice, our seniors end up disappointed and I feel extremely awful, because well they've been teaching us for so long and we're still not up to scratch yet.

Well maybe not belly dance, because it's pretty okay for me and I catch on quick. I love my belly dance and am so NOT going to give that up. I've been thinking of stopping Modern Dance when the 10 lessons are up, because its going to eat into my time when school starts and my parents are already giving me red lights for this.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

Still. I hate disappointing my seniors. Seeing the looks on their faces makes me feel so repressed and awful with myself. I wish I had started dancing as soon as I could have walked. I wish I had been born in America so that I could have immersed myself in the hip hop culture from a young age.

Mum and I went to watch the F1 practice session on Friday at the Marina yesterday. It was my first time there and I was really excited, because it's F1. Like hello. Who hates F1?

When we got there, we could already hear the cars zooming by and stuff. Ours was the cheapest ticket which entitled us to walk around the place. We missed the first session so we had to wait til 9.30pm for the second one. Til then, we walked around the place. Mum bought her autographed Lewis Hamilton hat, 2 Ferrari mugs and 4 shirts, totalling at almost $400.

Even the food was expensive. I gagged at the price of a bottle of green tea, priced at $5. I can get that for $1.20 at the local coffee shop.

We got a spot somewhere near the grandstand at about 9pm. And while waiting, I couldn't help but notice that there was this European guy next to me. He was pretty tanned and good looking and the disturbing part was that he kept taking off his tee shirt and trying on the Jensen Button shirts we had gotten. Okay I take that back. It wasn't disturbing. It was nice. He had nice abs. Thank God for that because if he had been flabby, I would have wished the floor would open and swallow me whole.

Anyway, the race started at 9.30 sharp and my mum and I were screaming when the cars came out. We were pointing and jumping and laughing and anticipating. My mum's a big supporter of Lewis Hamilton, because he's from England, and so is she. I support Red Bull's Mark Webber, because he's gorgeous. He's scruffy and tall and good looking. But he stupidly crashed his car.

Other than that, it was excruciatingly noisy. The earplugs didn't work and I had to cover my ears. And the smell of the tyres burning was no strong and pungent. I'd still prefer watching the race on television, because I get to see what's happening all the time, other than watching the cars for a few seconds from one silly spot.

Still it was an awesome experience. I'm going to keep the tickets as a momento.

Vetting's on Thursday, by the grand seniors, and on Saturday by Gin. Oh God. I need a miracle.

Everything I want is everything you are

Just wanna lay you down.

Say I love you without a sound.

I think you know what I'm talking about.

This, my dear Miss Taylor Swift, is what real and authentic country music is. Listen to the real twang of that Southern accent. I love Jason Michael Carrol's voice. Deep, husky & sexy. And in my size <3

Dance practice was a huge washout and tumultuous disappointment.

First. Shauna added new steps to the Reggae routine and I think my brain is seriously cooked out because I don't know why I simply couldn't get the steps! I was so damn fucking frustrated. It's like I didn't feel like dancing today and was so out of sorts. Maybe it was because of the 2 day break and I lost the momentum to dance. I don't know.

Then after Reggae, Keshia, Amanda, Melissa and I went to find the rest of Hip Hop 2 item to clean up the first part of the choreography. It went pretty okay, except Farhanah commented that I have to add in more and more strength. I don't know how much more I should add, since I thought I was really giving in quite a lot.

Then after that at 3, we went back to the studio for official practice, where Lavone taught us her part of the choreography. And I swear to God, it was pretty difficult and fast for me. My steps were there, but not sharp and strong enough and it looked so out of place and so blah.

At the end of the practice, we showcased what we had learnt so far, and we danced like a lump. The seniors had nothing nice to day to us. Yes, we were that bad. Nicole, Farhanah and Lavone were extremely disappointed with us and I felt so angry at myself for not pushing myself even further, and not being able to get the steps right. I felt so horrible and dejected, just hearing the disappointment in their voices, because the 3 of them are simply great instructors and are patient with us, but this was what we gave them in return.

I'm really worried, actually. And frightened that I cannot get all the steps rights. There's still Nicole's part of the choreo to do and I'm so nervous that I can't even nail Lavone's piece. I AM that bad and horrid. I never ever want my friends to watch my dance I swear.

I don't know why, but when I practice the steps at home. I'm definetly so much better. Then I realized its because I'm dancing without shoes. I can move faster and swifter. The current shoes I'm wearing are a little big for me. They're my mum's and they're a size 10. My shoe size is like between 8 to 9. But I definetly dance better without my shoes on when I'm at home. I need to do something about this, I think.

Shit, I wish I could just go to bed and wake up in the morning and be able to execute all the steps right. I need a miracle now. Maybe I need to go to church and pray to God and ask Him to help me. I really want this man. I really love dancing. And. I know I need to learn to control my movements, but its taking really long, and the whole "dancing better without my shoes" is true, but silly.

I'm so confused, and upset, and worried, and frightened, and angry, and disappointed, and dejected, and feel like a loser right now.

I need a miracle. I need God to help me.
God. Please help me.
I really really need this, God.
You know how much I need, and want this.

Dear Dr Sigmund Freud

You have probably never met me before, but I sure know a hell lot about you, or at least, from what I learn in school. You're like totally rad and famous for your sex-based theories about human behavior which I find really neat. It's so original isn't it, taking such a controversial topic and merging it with psychological theories to explain why homosapiens are assholes and we're not.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this letter to you because I'd like a change from saying a prayer to God. I'd like to know what makes my brain cook and fry. I realize that I'm actually a pretty quiet person in dance practices. I don't really talk a lot with the others and if I do so, its before training sessions. It's like a step away from my usual self when I'm in school and I'm wondering if its because I'm changing in terms of my personality, or is it because I simply need time to get close to people and that's really who I am all along.

I suppose this makes life interesting, yet challenging at the same time. Oh yeah, and I recently have an odd...shall we say, fascination, for good looking men in good looking trench coats. I like good looking men who are tall, scruffy and broad shouldered with a rad physique. I think this obsession started when I hit puberty and began to really become more aware of the beauty and greatness of the opposite sex older than my age.

I'm sure this obsession is considered healthy right? I mean, all girls would go through the same feelings and experiences. And it's not like I want to have sex with them or anything. I just find it really hot. But to channel my obsession with such...entities, I've decided to express my feelings in a book. I've decided to call in "Porn for Serene". I'm in the drafting process and hopefully it'll be ready in a few weeks or so.

I hope you'll give me your full support and I'll continue reading up on you. ( not in a stalking sort of way, but more of a informational approach)

Have a great day!

Rgds,
Serene

( p.s. okay I'm sorry I didn't mean to say to have a great day, because obviously you're dead, so you can't have a great day. My apologies for being tactless. It's just that I've been feeling sick since Thursday, probably from all the dancing. I am ploughing through a fever, flu and horrid cough to go for dance practices. I'll talk more about my feelings for dance during my next letter to you, shall I? Talk to you soon then. I'm off to continue with my book. )

had Reggae today from 9am to 12pm.
my lower back hurts from all that arching.
and I have Reggae again tonight at O School.
slept on the sofa at 2pm.
woke at some time around 4
woke up with a damned fever and am coughing away

my upper arms ache from the cardio.
and there is dance again tomorrow at 9am,
and on Saturday at 10am.

cannot wait for Sunday.
had an argument with the mother this morning.
apparently i'm spending a lot of time with dance
which I am
and
I understand
but because its a community based project for the juniors
its my opportunity to feel stage presence and perform in front of an actual audience instead of MCing

i've been thinking of stopping Modern when school reopens.
i dunno
the cliched excuse of "not enough time"
i don't want to dance and dance til my studies are affected.
i intend to maintain my GPA AND dance at the same time.
hip hop in school, along with external dances outside are enough already.
for instance, Reggae, Hip Hop and Belly Dance outside.

THANK GOD I DIDN'T PARTICIPATE IN O SCHOOL RECITAL.

gah!
tomorrow comes Ghetto trg.
I tried the routine today after I woke up
but I couldn't summon the energy to perform as usual like yesterday.
i wonder if I can dance tomorrow.
NO.
i HAVE to. Farhan and Nicole are teaching new steps and I need to know em'
they're both awesome senior instructors.
having Audrey and Shauna for Reggae.
Reggae is so sexy.
but.
my lower back hurts so much.
all that arching does no good for my deformed tailbone that I'm genetically cursed with.

Help me, Jesus. I need You to give me the energy and strength to continue.

classic moment - Kanye West and Taylor Swift.

But no matter how I don't like Miss Swift's music, Kanye was definitely being a total bitch.

Today left for London today. Her week long visit has finally ended. The whole family went to see her off at the airport, and Mum had an escort to see her directly to her boarding gate in case she gets confused by all the different gate numbers.

I cried when she left. The thought that this might be the last possible time I see my dear old Grandma ever is rather traumatising for me. By the time we're ready to fork out enough money to pay for her trip, she might be too old to travel, or she might probably have passed on. Just that thought makes me even feel much worseSomehow its not fair, because people can see their grandparents on a regular basis, but I see mine only once every 3 to 4 years. This is the Grandma that sends an annual box of English goodies, of magazines and clothes to us. I have nightgowns sent from her, as well an Elvis Presley calender and fun-filled memories. This is the Grandma who used to tuck me into bed when I was a young girl and play guessing games of how Granddad looks like ( I claimed that he had a handlebar moustache).


Mum says if we can afford it, we can travel to London and vists Grandma, and Auntie Christine as well. I really hope that's possibly. I feel as though I didn't spend enough time with Grandma this week. If she passes away before either party can visit the other, I probably will feel distraught and regretful.

Grandma always buys tofu and makes it for us. I love her cooking. And I finally found out where I got my liking for certain types of male. Grandma has a thing for men in uniform ( like me), men with the European big noses ( like me), and likes men who can speak in fluent and perfect English ( like me). Grandma noticed that I inherited her bushy hair ( and by the way, she still had a full head of hair) and her love for animals, though she favors octopuses.

We gave her a manicure and a facial as well (: She went shopping around Ion Orchard, Compass Point, Hougang Point and Ang Mo Kio Hub, and bought her essential stuffs home, as well as tofu and other items not available in London - like mothballs and curry puffs.

Maybe God will grant my Grandma with a continuance and my dad a lottery win and we can fly down to London and visit her.

Comm-Based auditions tomorrow. I washed with anxiety.

Blogger is being an ass. It's not letting me upload any videos and photos.

I have a sudden quell to simply delete this blog and throw the desktop computer out the window. Then haul myself to the living room and watch CSI Miami Season 3 reruns. Why is that whenver the CSI franchise hits Season 5, they start to suck?

In CSI Miami, Horatio discovers he has an illegitimate son with some girl called Julia from way back in the 80s, Ryan gets fired, then re-hired, Alexx quits, Frank shaves his head, Eric shaves his head TOO and his fashion sense flopped like a fruit. Honey, suits and sneakers do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go together. You'll be an ultimate fashion don't, and Hugo Boss will have an embolism.

And Calleigh has a fling with Eric. After ditching Jake, who looks like an American Orlando Bloon

In CSI, Sara quits, Grissom leaves, Greg gets promoted, two new CSIs are hired and Warrick gets killed.

The same goes for Heroes. I hated it when Kristen Bell entered the scene and that was when I stopped watching Heroes. Milo's rather good looking. He looks like Director Collins in Step Up 2. And Milo appeared in Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry music video, sporting tattoos and a weird gangsta hair do.

Did I mention I hate the holidays? I'm so frickin' bored. Dance starts next week, so that's a good thing.

Did I mention I feel like stabbing my sister? I can't stand her. I feel like taking a hammer and clubbing her stupid face. She and I had a fight. I promised to buy lunch while she took the baby dog down for a walk, only that I didn't mention I'd buy it after Mum returned. So she came back and saw no food on the table and got all mad at me and we had an argument.

My sister has an attitude problem. No wonder the guy she has a thing for is avoiding her and rejected a date with her. I was laughing my ass off. I wish I didn't have a sister sometimes. She thinks she's all that. Mum's asking me to take Grandma to Compass Point. I flat out refused. Not because its my Grandma - don't get me wrong I WANT to go out with my Grandma. But. The sister is going. And I absolutely refuse to talk to her. I don't care if people say I'm being mean by dehumanizing my sister. I really don't give a shit.

She may be pretty but she certainly doesn't have a nice attitude to go along with that pretty face. Seems like that IS a God after all. Yesterday, she told me she tried to break up the relationship with a guy she likes, with his girlfriend. What a classic bitch right? I should have known. She was born in the year of the snake.

"Hi, hav you met my classic bitch sister - Wendy Juan?"

The Lovely Bones is being made into a movie, directed by Peter Jackson. I saw the trailer on AXN while watching a show about search dogs in North America. I wanna read the book first before catching the movie.

HUZZAH. Mum, Grandma and Classic Bitch just left. I can safely head to the living room and watch CSI Miami in peace.With my brother sleeping in my bedroom. Okay, our bedroom.

no peace and no love today, because my life is in the trash today

Blogger is being an ass. It's not letting me upload any videos and photos.

I have a sudden quell to simply delete this blog and throw the desktop computer out the window. Then haul myself to the living room and watch CSI Miami Season 3 reruns. Why is that whenver the CSI franchise hits Season 5, they start to suck?

In CSI Miami, Horatio discovers he has an illegitimate son with some girl called Julia from way back in the 80s, Ryan gets fired, then re-hired, Alexx quits, Frank shaves his head, Eric shaves his head TOO and his fashion sense flopped like a fruit. Honey, suits and sneakers do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go together. You'll be an ultimate fashion don't, and Hugo Boss will have an embolism.

And Calleigh has a fling with Eric. After ditching Jake, who looks like an American Orlando Bloon

In CSI, Sara quits, Grissom leaves, Greg gets promoted, two new CSIs are hired and Warrick gets killed.

The same goes for Heroes. I hated it when Kristen Bell entered the scene and that was when I stopped watching Heroes. Milo's rather good looking. He looks like Director Collins in Step Up 2. And Milo appeared in Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry music video, sporting tattoos and a weird gangsta hair do.

Did I mention I hate the holidays? I'm so frickin' bored. Dance starts next week, so that's a good thing.

Did I mention I feel like stabbing my sister? I can't stand her. I feel like taking a hammer and clubbing her stupid face. She and I had a fight. I promised to buy lunch while she took the baby dog down for a walk, only that I didn't mention I'd buy it after Mum returned. So she came back and saw no food on the table and got all mad at me and we had an argument.

My sister has an attitude problem. No wonder the guy she has a thing for is avoiding her and rejected a date with her. I was laughing my ass off. I wish I didn't have a sister sometimes. She thinks she's all that. Mum's asking me to take Grandma to Compass Point. I flat out refused. Not because its my Grandma - don't get me wrong I WANT to go out with my Grandma. But. The sister is going. And I absolutely refuse to talk to her. I don't care if people say I'm being mean by dehumanizing my sister. I really don't give a shit.

She may be pretty but she certainly doesn't have a nice attitude to go along with that pretty face. Seems like that IS a God after all. Yesterday, she told me she tried to break up the relationship with a guy she likes, with his girlfriend. What a classic bitch right? I should have known. She was born in the year of the snake.

"Hi, hav you met my classic bitch sister - Wendy Juan?"

The Lovely Bones is being made into a movie, directed by Peter Jackson. I saw the trailer on AXN while watching a show about search dogs in North America. I wanna read the book first before catching the movie.

HUZZAH. Mum, Grandma and Classic Bitch just left. I can safely head to the living room and watch CSI Miami in peace.With my brother sleeping in my bedroom. Okay, our bedroom.

no peace and no love today, because my life is in the trash today

Comm-based project auditions on the 7th. Don't know what's going to happen and hence, that makes me nervous. Lots of the juniors are like more experienced than I am. I'm taking Hip Hop I at O School and some already completed Hip Hop III. Yeah that's cool.

Mr Barack Obama, give me strength please. Oh and Reggae class got pushed to the 17th of Sept, so fuck that.

Blogger is being an imbecile. It is adamant about not letting me upload pictures of cupcakes. Sod it.

Today is Tuesday and I decided to stay home today and do nothing except watch TV and hang around the place. I dropped Grandma off at the bustop because she wanted to go to the temple. She claims that bus no. 103 goes to said destination, even though I've been boarding that particular bus for donkey years and am sure as hell that I have never seen a temple in my entire life.

As I waved goodbye to her, I started wondering if I should have followed her. But I had no phone, no money and no umbrella and we'd both be lost sheeps if we ended up at some cuckoo place instead of a sacred instituition.

I sense counterfactual thinking in progress. It's raining now. I hope she doesn't fall. And I hope she remembers to tap the ez - link card when she gets off the bus like I demonstrated to her.

I went to Ion Orchard yesterday and almost suffered an embolism when I saw the prices of the food there. A cup of plain Yammi Yoghurt costs $4.50. Add toppings and you'll straddle close to $7. A slice of Japanese green tea cake( which was superb by the way) costs $5.40 and a steamed Chocolate Caramel cake cost $4.

Bitches, the lot of them are. But I bought back 2 steamed Japanese desserts back home for the family to try and now its just sitting like a lump in the fridge. I'll eat it for breakfast tomorrow instead. Ion Orchard was all right. Nothing much. It's a place for the rich and the richer.

So I decided to haul my ass to Far East Plaza. The stores in Far East have got some really cool clothing. But they were pretty expensive, and seemed to fit only petite sizes, none of which I am. So I left feeling sorry for myself. Though some shoes were really neat. What's more, they have like 4 stores selling high cut sneakers but the prices were phenomenally out of my league and only left me even more depressed. Dang. I WANT high cut sneakers for hip hop.

But I did buy a black and white checkered fedora and a pair of glittery black and gold suspenders. I intend to head back the next day and get a pair of thick-strapped ones. I wanted to get some tee shirts for my Grandma to bring home to Granddad and Tim. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow as well. AND I get go to Tangs Orchard and smell all the nice new perfumes that I always do whenver I go to Orchard. Thank goodness there's no modern dance tomorrow. TPDE starts again next week.

I LOVE going to town. I just love it. Just last Saturday before my hip hop practice at Lavender, I went to City Hall to have some yoghurt and I spotted a table brimming with single European guys. They lookeed rather Slavic, but who's bothering?

Darn I want a European boyfriend!

It's 1.06pm and I'm already listless like a fruit of lump. Sod it. I'll go watch reruns of CSI Miami now.

I wonder if Grandma's okay now. I should have given her the spare phone but she insisted she didn't want it. Now I know where my mum got her stubborn ass from.

peace and love (: