updates

#1. Officially on midterm break (read: opportunity of get your ass back on track with the amount of studying that you have not been doing during the first half of the term, you slacker, thank you very much).

#2. Socio midterm test went better than expected. Not to say that I'm certain I'll score an A because I studied super hard and I'm so confident like hell, but I was expecting the paper to ask way hard tough-as-a-nut questions that require super complex referencing from the videos and multiple readings we have. It was...OHKAY.

#3. Went for Allegra's Street Jazz yesterday. It felt soooooooooooo good to be in the dance studio again, even though many other people seemed to have gotten way better and I'm still stuck in a rut with no chances op leveling up. But hey, the passion and love is still there so deal with it, you bitches. Speaking of dancing. I need new dance shoes. The bottom of right shoe peeled off, 3 minutes before the class began, and ended up looking like this:

It kept peeling even further when I was moving and I had to keep stopping to try and stuff it back in what remained of my shoe.

Shucks this means I actually need to go and hunt for shoes. I do not have time for this! Dang shoes here are expensive. I mean, cool high tops that cheap aren't easily found. They're like clothes. It has to be specific. Shall probably go hunting for them next Monday after dropping by school, considering I have Gin's class Tuesday evening.

#4. Was looking through my treasure chest the other day and unearthed my Kyle Hanagami autograph.

Look he even put a smiley face! I remembered him looking so amused when I was proffering my notebook and saying "Can I have your autograph please?" EEEEEEEEEEEEEK if my house were burning, I'd save this first. Oh and Bobby. Of course.

Even though its been more than a month, I still cannot believe that I actually got to meet him in person and take his super awesome class. I wished I could have gone for more. I know I had 6 weeks, but the first 3 weeks I was still finding my way around, and the last 2 Wednesdays were filled with other activities, so I couldn't go. Nevertheless, I'm still so much in awe.

It just reminds me of the day when I was making my way to Debbie Reynolds Dance Studio alone. Debbie Reynolds was in North Hollywood, and I was living in Westwood, which is like a 2 hour bus ride. On a side note, I'm still so pleased and proud that I managed to find my way there by myself, and plucking up the courage to ask random strangers on the street which bus stop to go to and which street to be on. The streets are super confusing. They have streets, and then they have street numbers. 9th and Hollywood. 10th and Hollywood. 11th and Hollywood. So you can't just say I want to go to Hollywood Street. They'll be like yeah dawg but which number? So and finally when I was taking the second bus in North Hollywood, a Latina woman who was next to me must have noticed me checking my map and all because she was like "Where are you going?" And I said I was headed to Debbie Reynolds in Van Nuys. And she went "Oh I run a Mexican restaurant and my shop is just a few minutes down the studio" and she happily looked out which stop I should get off and I was just so incredibly grateful. She gave me her name card and told me that if I ever needed help when I was near Van Nuys again I could just drop by, and I remember thinking how touched I was by her how kind she was, even though she's never seen me before. 

Then later when I got off the bus, she called out "Go there and live your dreams"

And that must have been the nicest thing a stranger ever said to me. Because dreams really do come true at Debbie Reynolds. And my dream of taking Kyle's class did come true.My dream of becoming a better dancer is still a work in progress, but hey, do you see me abandoning dance? Hells no baby.

Los Angeles was an amazing place. I loved the city so so so very much. And words do no justice to even explain how much I fell in love with the city. Of course you have to give me the benefit of the doubt, because I wasn't really living there per se. I was like a tourist-student, and of course I'm aware of the underbelly of Hollywood and how guns and drugs still exist in the States, but L.A has been wonderful to me. The people and culture are everything I imagined it to be. Like for instance:

(1)  Tall boys and geek fashion looking super hot (I'm sorry but Chinese boys can never pull the same look off and be equally hot. They just can't. Unless their Asian Americans and have the American swag to pull it off then hells yeah), with their hipster glasses, skinny jeans, checked shirts topped with a duffel bag and a beanie. I swear. Its brilliant. Before coming to L.A, I only saw of such boys in Tumblr, but now I actually get to experience this X factor for myself in UCLA.

(2) Cute cashiers actually making conversation with you. There was this insanely good looking student who works at the UCLA Bruin Store and I made it a habit to go to the store after Acting class to buy chocolate mints and made sure I went to his counter just so I could see him. I wish all of you had known how good looking he was. I don't think he was Caucasian. He's probably Hispanic because he' doesn't have the fair Caucasian skin color but he spoke with an American accent. With who cares? He was smokin' (not literally but yeah). I never got to know his name, but I shall call him Victor.


(3) You honestly see true American quirk in Los Angeles. I saw skateboarders on their skateboards cruising down the street without their tops, businessmen in full suit but going to work on roller-skates or on their skateboards. The diverse and loud (read: I don't gee a shit what others say) fashion.

(4) Each part of L.A is very different from the other. Its very collegiate in Westwood, since its the university town so its mostly students with little cafes, apartments and a small theater near the supermarket. In Beverly Hills, it screams money money and more money. Spankin' clean, and lots of Middle Eastern people and I felt so out of place there with all the different high end brands all under one roof. Maybe because I was wearing the wrong shoes. Hollywood Boulevard is the touristy area, considering the many tourist attractions are there, such as the Walk of Fame. It wasn't what I expected though. It was a slightly gritty place as opposed to the clean sidewalks I imagined it to have, but it was bustling with tourists and cafes and restaurants and souvenir shops. Burbank was relatively quiet and organized, probably because the music and television studios are there. Melrose Avenue was very.....rock/punk/goth/vintage. Fashion lovers should so visit this place. And downtown L.A


(5) How people can make conversation with you, and the beauty of just listening to normal people living in Hollywood is pretty mesmerizing. For me at least. I had an old lady with made conversation with me while we were at the bus stop and she was telling me about her life as a history student in university, how her son died in a car accident and how she misses the carefree days of her youth and not worrying about death and dying. An African American woman at the bus stop at Sepulveda talking to me about living in Detroit and how dangerous she said it was being there. A Mexcian man on his way to UCLA to pick his daughter up whom I sat next to on the bus back, telling me about his family back in Mexico, how he says he like living in L.A and asking me all about Singapore, in slightly fractured English. I've never met people of such diverse ethnicities before. Its amazing. And the beauty of talking to minority race is that it helps dispel some of the stereotypes you have of them. Sure there'll be a group of Latinos and African Americans who are punk asses, but talking to some of them (not the punk asses!) in a normal context and finding out about their lives really helps you create bridges. Plus, I've never met actual African Americans and Latinos per se, so it was fascinating to get to speak to them.

(6) Going to movie premieres. And getting crushed by the crowds. I'm proud to say that in my stay in L.A, I have seen in person with my very own eyes, Nicholas Cage, Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Phillip Phillips and Matthew Gray Gubler (he was standing right in front of me but I couldn't get an autograph because he was hustled away by his burly huge bodyguards. And holy smokes, he does sound exactly like Reid, but his hair was long!) There were other celebs too, but I couldn't see them because they were standing at the main road. But apparently, Taylor Swift was at the Spiderman premiere too and I missed her because I across the street. I didn't get to meet Kim Kardashian =( or Alex O'Loughlin. Darn. Steffi saw P. Diddy and Gonzalo met Paris Hilton and even took a picture with her!

(7) And of course. The American accent. DUH


Next stop. Broadway Dance Center to take Luam's class! That is, if I do ever go to New York. When Sul was in New York in the summer, he said it was a busy and crowded place. What if I go to New York in the future, but end up loving L.A more?!

OMG YOU SLUT LISTEN TO YOURSELF. HOW CAN ANYONE NOT LIKE NEW YORK CITY? Its the concrete jungles where dreams are made of!

 
Loving this. 

Biopsyche quiz is over. Thank God because I cannot emphasize how much I desperately need to catch up on my sleep. There are balls under my eyes, thank you very much because apparently my body cannot get enough sleep from 1am to 8am in the morning, even though that's roughly 7 hours of sleep.

I shouldn't complain, because this is nothing compared to when I had jet lag when I went to L.A and came back home. I felt so sick and terrible and really just wanted to die. But I'd willingly ensure it if it means I get to travel to beautiful gorgeous countries around the world with my bad-ass camera.

So yes. Biopsyche quiz. I don't even know what to say about it. I got some stuff down pat, and some others that made me want to laugh/cry/poop with amusement. But its over and I honestly can't do anything about it now. Its funny that I'm even saying that. How I can't do anything about things that are already past, because previously I'd whine and moan and scream over how I could have done it differently and/or better. But then I started thinking about what E always told the class, about how we need to get it into our heads that we need to stop thinking that everything that will happen is in the control of our hands because the truth is, it isn't, since we don't predict the future and instead, we should  let our mind and body guide us throughout the journey and pick up lessons along the way.

So yes. The quiz is over. I honestly did the best I could. Its moot to argue about it now. And now I've another mid-term next Friday and I really really really need to start by personality assignment now and get it done before bed. But I'm just so unmotivated to do it because hello, I just ended a mid-term and I should be given a day off right?

I guess not.

I'm starting to appreciate my Singapore Society module, even though I'm questioning my professor's ability to really teach a class. Its opened my eyes to how different Singapore is from other countries, in terms of social living, education and policies and how these differences are the driving forces behind the unhappiness in so much out our lives. I'm glad I dropped the history module because what use is studying artifacts of to me?

Should probably start on my personality assignment now. Should.

I sent my postcard exactly 8 days ago. I wonder if he's gotten it?

OMG SHUT UP SERENE YOU STUPID STUPID BUMBLING BABOON. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FEMINIST VALUES?! YOU SEE A GUY WHO SWEPT YOU OFF YOUR FEET BECAUSE HE HAS SUCH A GREAT PERSONALITY AND YOU TOSS YOUR FEMINIST VALUES OF FEMALE INDEPENDENCE AND EMANCIPATION OUT THE WINDOW. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

Okay. I WILL get off Facebook and stop stalking photos and pretty pictures and videos posted by other people, because why should I care about what they're doing? (Because I lock social stimulation in my life that's you, you goof) and I WILL read my biopsyche notes before sleep.

I WILL not delay reading my notes anymore.

I WILL not - OMG S.W.A.T is on HBO now. Sexy men in sexy LAPD uniform shooting guns. Gotta go!

Why. WHY can I not stop thinking about E? Its so sickening because every time I think of E, I think of:

(1) the little moments we "had" together
(2) what I COULD have done to make things a little more exciting

I'm not sure which is worse, (1), (2) or (1)+(2) together.

See, when I think of (1), it makes me think that there could have been that little spark. Or it could have been NOTHING because sometime girls tend to misinterpret all those little thing guys do, like for instance:

how he says "You're always trying different things. I like you." (oh my god i even remember the exact words), and how I keep replaying his FB message over and over again

or how he hugged me when I was sobbing about not coming prepared for the scene work that Mel and I did (but that was just being nice and comforting),

or how when we were all in our group discussion circle he was explaining something about characterization and then he suddenly said how I always give him a "funny look" whenever he talks about such things that make him go "what the hell is this guy saying?" and how he loves it. (his words not mine)

or how he calls me his sitting buddy because somehow we always sit next to each other in our group circle (or that could just have been a coincidence),

or how he touched the small of my back when he was sitting behind me and telling me how to direct the other group with their lines when they forget their script, and how what I was doing was great, and how I remember that he didn't really need to touch the small of my back when telling someone what to do, and how I thought my heart had stopped and Joey and Gregor seemed to have stopped moving because I thought my temporal lobes had ceased processing any perception of movement whatsoever.

or how he voice was so soothing and comforting when he coached me during the warm up exercises when we all had to lie on the floor and he came over to adjust my head, and I remember how slow and deep and warm his voice was and I was so afraid of opening my eyes for fear that I would give myself away, and how soft I thought his hands were even though they were toned and ripped (or maybe that was my hair, I use conditioner thanks)

or how he made fun of me when he happened to drop by the library to print something for his school work but accidentally printed it using my account because I forgot to log off the Net.

I just wish I could have initiated something. I mean, if I did it with Sean, I could have done it too right? What's wrong with me? The last guy that ever made me go weak at the knees and made me all think like this was...in Secondary 4. Look how well that lasted, but at least he was nicer than stupid head Sean.

SERENE YOU STUPID WOMAN SNAP OUT OF IT. E IS 6000 MILES AWAY AND ITS PROBABLY JUST A STUPID LITTLE CRUSH BECAUSE HE HAPPENS TO BE SO CHARMING AND AREN'T SOCIOPATHS CHARMING TOO? SO SNAP OUT OF IT AND FOCUS.


BUT HOW CAN I?!?

I can't possibly tell him he's nice and funny and cute and charming and how I think he's so...fanciable. He'll think I'm a psychotic freak. Why wasn't I born an ostrich? Then I can stick my head in the ground

hmmmm

Taken from:  http://www.stormtiger.com/collie/archive/addons/200402a.html

Tennov was a professor of psychology at the University of Bridgeport, Connecticut. Circa 1977 she coined the noun ``limerence'' and the adjective ``limerent'' to describe a particular state of mind.

Limerence is what is sometimes referred to as ``being in love'' with someone, as opposed to ``loving'' someone. Or sometimes it's called ``romantic love'' or ``passionate love.'' But that's not an adequate definition, because nonlimerents also use these terms to describe their own feelings.
Limerence is also sometimes called ``infatuation.'' But ``infatuation'' has implications of immaturity, and of extrapolating from insufficient information, that Tennov didn't want.

Symptoms of Limerence

``Limerence has certain basic components:

• ``intrusive thinking about the object of your passionate desire (the limerent object or `LO'), who is a possible sexual partner
• ``acute longing for reciprocation
• ``dependency of mood on LO's actions or, more accurately, your interpretation of LO's actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
• ``inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time (exceptions occur when limerence is at low ebb -- early on or in the last fading)
• ``some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerent passion through vivid imagination of action by LO that means reciprocation
• ``fear of rejection and sometimes incapacitating but always unsettling shyness in LO's presence, especially in the beginning and whenever uncertainty strikes
• ``intensification through adversity (at least, up to a point)
• ``acute sensitivity to any act or thought or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and extraordinary ability to devise or invent ``reasonable'' explanations for why the neutrality that the disinterested observer might see is in fact a sign of hidden passion in the LO
• ``an aching of the `heart' (a region in the center front of the chest) when uncertainty is strong
• ``buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
• ``a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
• ``a remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in LO and to avoid dwelling on the negative, even to respond with a compassion for the negative and render it, emotionally if not perceptually, into another positive attribute.''

Am I in love, or just limerent, that is the million dollar question now. 

"...my achy breaky heart
I just don't think it'd understand..."

when i should be studying instead of watching Britan's Got Talent.

Janet, your voice brought me to a different world. 

I've been shamefully neglecting this blog for the past week or so. Somehow I just lack the motivation to come onto this platform and type out the comings and goings of my existence. So much has been going on in my life lately that's taken a toll on my mental health. I've been experiencing such terrible mood swings, one would have thought I was suffering from a mild case of bipolar disorder.

(1) Just came back from the family doctor to get antibiotics for an ear infection that gave me a pounding headache for the past 2 nights and I ended up skipping Childpsycho lecture today because it hurt so much that it literally took my focus away from anything important. Also bought a compression sock for my ankle that's been giving me problems for the past 3 months. My mum reckoned that its the bone that swelled to the size of a grapefruit. I still maintain that an alien attached itself to ankle joint and is building a colony on said joint.

(2) Finally sent my postcard off to E, after wasting 2 postcards that I felt was too childish (read: stupid)  for him to read and typing what I wanted to say for a half hour on Word Document, reading and editing and deleting and adding words to make it sound decent. What's wrong with me? I meet a cute boy over the summer and he give me jittery knees and butterflies in my tummy that has stripped me of my ability to write a decent sentence.

(3) So my mum finally knows about my bulimic tendencies, thanks (no sarcasm) to my aunt who offered to break the news to her because I couldn't do it myself. Thankfully my mum has not flared up about it to me. The shitty news is that my first appointment is now being delayed by a month, because as a first timer, I'd need about 4 to 5 hours for a full medical check up and consultation (blood tests and stuff), and they can't accommodate it with their other appointments. Who knew so many girls out there are suffering what I'm suffering?

More later.