Why. WHY can I not stop thinking about E? Its so sickening because every time I think of E, I think of:

(1) the little moments we "had" together
(2) what I COULD have done to make things a little more exciting

I'm not sure which is worse, (1), (2) or (1)+(2) together.

See, when I think of (1), it makes me think that there could have been that little spark. Or it could have been NOTHING because sometime girls tend to misinterpret all those little thing guys do, like for instance:

how he says "You're always trying different things. I like you." (oh my god i even remember the exact words), and how I keep replaying his FB message over and over again

or how he hugged me when I was sobbing about not coming prepared for the scene work that Mel and I did (but that was just being nice and comforting),

or how when we were all in our group discussion circle he was explaining something about characterization and then he suddenly said how I always give him a "funny look" whenever he talks about such things that make him go "what the hell is this guy saying?" and how he loves it. (his words not mine)

or how he calls me his sitting buddy because somehow we always sit next to each other in our group circle (or that could just have been a coincidence),

or how he touched the small of my back when he was sitting behind me and telling me how to direct the other group with their lines when they forget their script, and how what I was doing was great, and how I remember that he didn't really need to touch the small of my back when telling someone what to do, and how I thought my heart had stopped and Joey and Gregor seemed to have stopped moving because I thought my temporal lobes had ceased processing any perception of movement whatsoever.

or how he voice was so soothing and comforting when he coached me during the warm up exercises when we all had to lie on the floor and he came over to adjust my head, and I remember how slow and deep and warm his voice was and I was so afraid of opening my eyes for fear that I would give myself away, and how soft I thought his hands were even though they were toned and ripped (or maybe that was my hair, I use conditioner thanks)

or how he made fun of me when he happened to drop by the library to print something for his school work but accidentally printed it using my account because I forgot to log off the Net.

I just wish I could have initiated something. I mean, if I did it with Sean, I could have done it too right? What's wrong with me? The last guy that ever made me go weak at the knees and made me all think like this was...in Secondary 4. Look how well that lasted, but at least he was nicer than stupid head Sean.

SERENE YOU STUPID WOMAN SNAP OUT OF IT. E IS 6000 MILES AWAY AND ITS PROBABLY JUST A STUPID LITTLE CRUSH BECAUSE HE HAPPENS TO BE SO CHARMING AND AREN'T SOCIOPATHS CHARMING TOO? SO SNAP OUT OF IT AND FOCUS.


BUT HOW CAN I?!?

I can't possibly tell him he's nice and funny and cute and charming and how I think he's so...fanciable. He'll think I'm a psychotic freak. Why wasn't I born an ostrich? Then I can stick my head in the ground