No words can describe my love and addiction toward this sweet delicious thing called perfume. Was looking through my perfume collection, and decided to look up the commercial for my first ever perfume, Vera Wang Princess. 

They say some perfumes are like lovers, they come and go and some are like forgettable lunches and dinners. But never your first one. 

Vera Wang Princess is my first ever perfume that I picked up at 16. Always fall in love head over heels whenever I use it. Every single time. 

If I could describe heaven, it'd be a place where junk and fast food were calorie free, where pretty ball gowns and frocks with high heels are the permitted dress code, and where bottles of perfume line every single shelf to satisfy my sinful delights. 

What better way to end my first year of university, by buying all the magazines that I have been deprived of and closeting myself in my (soon-to-be-ex) room and eating a subway wrap. I remember promising Zee that I'd eat a cheeseburger after exams, but unfortunately, that'll have to wait because I mindlessly ate a curry puff after blasted Stats exam because I was just so hungry after dejuicing my brain to solve stupid statistical problems. 


Needless to say, I had a shoddy time with the Stats paper. I zoned out on the question about regression. And i literally went "wtf" in head and almost wanted to burst into a pool of hot tears in from of darn Ringo. Decided to skip it for last. Managed to figure it out, and hopefully the answer is correct. If not, I'll take my grades with me to the grave before my mother can disown me. 


Spanish was another nightmare. It was...tricky. I found it harder than French last semester. We were given a picture of a room, and asked to describe it. Bear in mind that this is a picture of a very naked room. Beds and tables and chairs and that's it. I filled about half the space they gave, and to my left and right, them girls had filled the entire space! And were still writing! What's there to talk about an empty room? I almost had an aneurysm but decided not to waste my time.


The Spanish tutors there looked so intimidating, prowling the aisles and looking down at us. Of course, Profesor Javier was most understandably cool and kind. I'll miss him. I think, because he always calls me Juan which makes me feel European. Not to mention the fact that el sin tiene pelo. Which means he is bald. And tall. But has bad taste to wear Converse shoes. Though he has his ear studs to make up for it. 


He reminds me of Lord Voldemort, you know being tall and bald and all. Except Lord Voldemort has slits for nostrils and can shoot sparks out his fingers and can fly. And will probably look a little off if he were to wear Converse sneakers with his black robes. 


Anyway the point is, I'm just glad that it's over. Now come 3 months break, where I intend to make use of it getting into a real shape and getting over my eating disorders. 


Oh and I'm now left with the task of clearing out my dorm room. Spent the last 2 hours clearing my bookshelf and wardrobe. The floor on my side of the room is strewn with bags and luggages bursting at the seams with my books and clothes and other bric-a-brac. All that's life is:


(1) clear out the side shelf, which has not much stuff in it
(2) sweep the floor
(3) return library books
(4) defrost the fridge. ugh.


If you've never had a mini-fridge in your room before, let me tell you that it's an absolute bitch to have to defrost in every couple of months because you get literal icebergs in your fridge that forms on los pareds. The walls. I made the mistake of turning the temperature control down to number 5 instead of 7 last week before I left for the weekend. So it became less cold. To my utter amusement and bemusement, I came back to find huge-ass puddles of water at my fridge. And did my roommate do anything for me, like text me to say hey Serene your fridge is leaking! or anything like that? 


No. 


Oh well. 


Will be glad to leave this room. Its a lonely room. And its given me lots of bad memories about my eating disorder. Its given me a perspective of how much my disordered eating has really wrecked my psyche. 


I plan to destroy what is destroying me. To be honest, I'm really afraid. Because every time I try to change, I end up failing. It backfires. And then I'm back to square one and it takes another heavy toll on my esteem and confidence. This summer break will be the perfect excuse to really turn over a new leaf and try to get my life back on track and be happier than I am now. 


Come tomorrow I shall focus on finding my inner peace and be healthy. This means no more bingeing, or chewing and spitting so that when I go the L.A at the end of June, I'll be as happy and healthy as I can be. 


Having said that, I shall head off and run soon. Haven't been running much, given the brutality of exams which had made me binge one or twice, much to my utter disgust and embarrassment. 


Speaking of embarrassment. I wonder how Sanjay is. The one from Nepal. Was looking through my texts and clearing my inbox the night before when I came across texts from an unsaved number and when I opened it, all the memories came shooting back. Not that I miss him or anything. Just wondering what's up with him, and the rest of the porters and all. And texts from people in polytechnic whom I never speak to anymore. Man, I need to widen my social circle and establish more intimate friendships. 


No.


Scratch that. I'm perfectly fine with the intimate friendships I have now. What I want to do right now is to get into shape.


FINE.I SHALL HAVE TO GET OUT THE ROOM AND RUN. I FEEL FAT IN THIS SHIRT. I'M TIRED OF FEELING UGLY AND FAT OKAY THANK YOU. I WANT A MAGIC BUBBLE BATH WHICH, AFTER I STEP OUT OF, CAN MAKE ME TALLER AND THINER AND SEXIER. 

Am feeling slightly relieved, now that Social and Developmental Psyche are over. Was expecting Developmental Psyche to be much worse, but it turned out better than expected. Unfortunately, I studied the article on identity achievement for naught.

2 more papers to go, both on Tuesday and decided to stay over for the weekend in Hall rather than make the trip back and forth. Am wondering if the canteen will be open tomorrow. I can't imagine having to travel 30minutes just for food!

GSS-UCLA wise. Visa's been approved. The flights are booked. I'm officially headed to Los Angeles on the 24th of June! This shall be the best ever 21st birthday gift for me ever. Even though my dream is to go to New York City, perhaps this is one step closer to my ultimate goal. Shall be taking Acting Fundamentals and American Culture and English. Had wanted Study of Religion, but it clashed with American Culture. Darn it. Have also signed up for an off campus UCLA studio apartment. Without anyone though. It seems that I lack friends to sign up with and had no choice but to get the 2-person studio apartment, which means I'll be randomly assigned a person to be roommates with. Wonder which lucky girl will have me, given my tendency to snore at times.

More tomorrow. Sleep beckons.

I feel too big for my skin.

And I think we all know the answer to that. I am a fat cow. I deserve to die.

Seriously what is wrong with me? I try so hard. Seriously. Everyday I tell myself you CANNOT regress, but I always end up doing it. You have no idea how much I hate me.

What's worse than being fat, looking like a man (because I take after my dad), having unfeminine broad shoulders, being short and fat, thick unsightly calves & my overall lack of feminine curves? I'm too stupid to do anything.

I'm going to die. Life is too insignificant for me right now. I can'd do this anymore. I just can't't.

TADD YOU'RE SO SEXY IT HURTS. YOU CAN BITE MY DUST BABY.

TADD YOU'RE SO SEXY IT HURTS.

Can I just say Twitch is just oh-so orgasmic? Have you taken a good look at those arms? Fo shiz.

Marko, why are you so charming?!

EEEEEEK. Melanie and Marko are the best couple ever side Katee and Joshua in Season 4!

AND TRAVIS IS AN AMAZING DANCER OMG.

See this is why I want to marry a dancer. Sensual and comfortable with intimacy and mature about touching a woman and making it look so beautiful and perfect.

And I want a guy who's perfectly comfortable with embracing and carrying me like that.

AAAACK

So I absolutely have no idea how to go about studying for finals. 20 friggin chapters for DevPsyche. Are you kidding me?! I need divine intervention.

Today, and yesterday were bad terrible. Needless to say, I punished myself.

Love this!

Tell me something:

how come Carrie and Samantha and Miranda and Charlotte wear heels everyday but don't develop man calves like I do?

Life is unfair.

Please help me. Somebody. Anybody.