Okay so maybe in hindsight I might have been suffering from hysterics last night. I suspect I'm suffering from a rare psychological disorder - a cross between depression and bipolar disorder. I wonder if Yahoo! Health can help me narrow down what kind of disorder I'm having this past week. Or maybe the Mayo Clinic.

I developed hysterics last night because my lemon yogurt cake that I made for Mother's Day turned out to be literally shit. Okay not literally. God that's disgusting, but okay, metaphorically speaking, it was downright disgusting.

The idea of a lemon yogurt cake sounded really good when I saw Ina Garten's recipe book and I read online reviews that its so good, I decided it might to nice to give it a shot. I was in a very good mood buying and prepping the ingredients, which involved flour, butter substitute, eggs, zest of 2 lemons and yogurt. I was feeling so confident because I spent about an hour just measuring the ingredients and making sure everything went smoothly, in light of how I misread the amount of milk I needed for my Coffee Cranberry & Walnut Cake the previous week (which I might try again soon).

It took me a total of about 3 hours to get the cake done. I went all out to create the baking strips so that the cake would be leveled and flat, though it still came out with the undesirable bulge in the middle because the temperature was too high for the reduced sugar in the recipe. But I dismissed it. Another reason to be excited was because for the 1st time, my pan came out perfectly clean! After learning how to grease my pan properly and lining it with parchment paper, my pan came out squeaky clean - metaphorically speaking tyvm - which is such a relief because I detest scrubbing the pan when its encrusted with burnt batter.

The yogurt cake smelled heavenly. Like a mix of yogurt and vanilla and I couldn't wait to try it, but I wanted to wait for my mum to come home so she'd have first dibs on the cake. So it just sat in the fridge til around 11pm when she came home and she had 1 slice and looked at me funny and asked "Is this supposed to be a cake?" And that was when I knew my cake had failed me. Again.

"Yes."

"What kind of cake is this?"

"Its a lemon yogurt cake. Why? Not nice?"

"Its too...sourish? Its like a pudding-kueh cake instead."

So I took a bite, even though I had just worked out, and she was right. It was too soft. Like kueh. It was far far far too moist and not fluffy at all like a cake. Maybe because of the fact that I used applesauce instead of butter? Or the yogurt? I dont know, but I'm never making a yogurt cake again. I could tell my mum didn't like it. So I simply tossed it in the trash with a heavy heart and dwelled in my utter failure and uselessness. I am such a dweeb dickie duck.

But I decided to try again, becaue I felt this urge to prove myself. I'm not a quiter. I may whine and moan and become bipolar, but be damn if I'm a quiter. So I made Victoria Sponge Cake with Dark Chocolate Tofu Mousse.

I know. What's tofu mousse, you may ask. To simply put, its mousse made out of tofu. A simple manner of blending tofu, cocoa poweder and dark chocolate. Plus, you get some healthy omega 3s in your dessert. That's a somewhat good reason to have dessert right? No added sugar inside! HA, only that when I tried it, it tasted a little bland for my taste. Like it wasn't bitter enough. So I had to melt the remaining dark chocolate squares with some water to create dark chocolate sauce and mixed it in with the mousse so that the taste would be stronger.

It was incredibly amazing making the Victorian Sponge Cake. I found a site that gave very specific instructions and guidelines. Not those soddy ones like "Mix wet ingredients." or "Soft flour into batter". And some weird stuff like that. This one explained exactly what I had to do and why, and even gave alternatives. and solutions. It was awesome because not only was I doing it right, I got to learn baking tips for making sponge cakes.

So I baked the cake in my new cake pan with the removable base, all nicely prepped and ready to kick some ass, and put it in the oven. I did some Sudoku. I will never underestimate the power of this mind puzzle. Sure the puzzle was developed by the Japanese, but the origins of this logic-based game came from the 19th century French people. I have new found respect for cryptographers and codebreakers. Dammit its so difficult. And I did the one that is supposed to be of an easy level! It was frustrating, erasing and writing, and counting and checking. I was so fed up.

The timer finally went off and I leapt out of my chair and hurled to the kitchen and pulled the oven door open with my heart racing and to my utter bemusement and elation, my cake turned out looking, with what I describe as, perfect. No unsightly bulges. Neat and flat, slightly domed shaped like a proper sponge cake. I was thrilled.

So I waited for it to cool before attempting to cut the cake into 2 layers. It was tricky, because I couldnt get it to be exactly cut in half so I ended up cutting a little more than half for the top layer and a small part of the top chipped off. Pfft. But its all right. So I spread some mousse on the bottom layer and put the top layer back on it. I didn't want to spread the mousse over the cake as well, because it ruins the concept of Victorian Sponge Cake. Next time, maybe.

The cake looks more like a giant biscuit with filling in it. I took a picture, but I don't know to uplad photos from my iPhone into my laptop. Mum tried it and said its not bad. Not bad? That's not good enough! I took a bite. It was okay. I don't think I like sponge cake much. It was a little heavy for my liking, not light enough, maybe because I didn't fold the flour in properly as per preparing a sponge cake.

But still. It's far better than yesterday and its an improvement that's for sure. Of course its stil difficutt to find proper cakes, because I'm not a nutritionist so I don't know how many calories are in each serving, even if I reduce the sugar and use butter substitutes. Hence, that's why when I see all these decadent cakes and goodies in cookbooks and in blogs, my heart pangs with sadness.

Whale Wars is on now. About brave Australian sea shepards patrolling the Southern Ocean to prevent the Japanese fishers from hunting and killing large numbers of whales and eating them. Today, the Dutch ship, crewed by Australian people, rammed into a Japanese boat to prevent the Japanese fishers from poaching a mother whale and her baby. And the stupid Japanese people deemed it an extremist act, centred on intentions to strain relations between the Japanese and Australians. BITCHES. Those Japanese people are sprouting bullshit. Yeah they may be known for skinniness and nice sushi, but some sushi comes from innocent whales, which they use not only for food, but for testing and research! ANIMAL TESTING ON WHALES. OHMYGOD I'M SO INCENSED AT THE JAPANESE FISHERMEN NOW. They obviously have no respect for the sea animals and I gladly support the Sea Shepards for their efforts to Japanese fuckers and send them straight to hell because there is absolutely no reason to hunt whales, kill them meat and pump them full of chemicals for so called. research. What's more, the Japanese have no jurisdiction to cross into the Australian waters. ASSHOLES.

BURN IN HELL, YOU JAPANESE FISHERS WHO HUNT WHALES. DO NOT EAT SUSHI I SAY. WATCH WHALE WARS AND YOU WILL KNOW WHY. ALONG WITH THOSE FARMERS AND STUPID BRATS IN CHINA AND VIETNAM WHO SKIN DOGS AND CATS ALIVE AND EAT THEIR MEAT. Those who skin them, and those who eat them, those who sell them and those who buy them those who import them, and those who export them. Anyone who even touches them or is involved with them will be flogged in hell, after watching my Public Speaking video assignment on animal abuse in China.

If I weren't studying, I'd set up animal shelters all over the world, and travel to these disgusting places and shoot these motherfuckers to bits til they cry uncle and jail their puny asses. And you can quote me on that.