Feelings of insecurity and distrust and abandonment aside, why is it that I seem to be plagued by so many problems? I must have done something wrong in my past life to be going through all this, because I could literally write a book to chronicle 4 years worth of mental anguish and suffering.

I just had a heated shouting match with the invalid brother. I had stepped out my room with my laptop so I could register something online, which needed the mother's approval, and I came back to find me sprawled on my desk with another laptop. Needless to say, I asked him to move, because I had stuff to do. See the downside of sharing a room with an invalid brother is that he thinks he owns the room himself, aside from having to put up with his disgusting habits that I shall not reveal here because it irks me to even contemplate it. All I can say is that one of the prerequisites of my future partner is that he needs to have good manners and etiquette.

Anyway, he got upset at being asked to leave and we argued about who should leave the room and use the dad's study room. And so he started spewing off a litany of swear words, words that I'm all too familiar with, having heard the exact words from those fangled video games he plays that involve gangbangers from Jersey. Look at how video games have evovled. From Pac-Man and Sailor Moon to Halo and mafia gangs spiked with nothing but swear words.

The point is. I got so mad that I literally screamed at him to move away from my desk and demanded that he stop saying swear words or I'd tell on him. Not that the mother doesn't already know. See the stupid point, the mother does know that he swears all the time. Even in school, he got into bad trouble for swearing at a teacher. And my mother came home and said it was the teacher's fault! What sort of twisted reasoning is that?

But anyway, I told to shut up and move and, well a slight physical altercation ensued, which actually makes me feel....sad? I don't know. What's the word to describe it? The idea that when your brother hits you and its actually your fault and your own mother doesn't defend you, and instead of comforting you, she says I'm being selfish?

So anyway, he's left and now I'm alone. Thinking back on the times when the invalid brother had got into similar physical altercations with me, and that my mother defends him instead of telling him its wrong.

So the invalidity of a brother, the lack of understanding and maternal love on an emotional level, near absence of closeness to a father who'd rather work than talk to his own children, and a sister, who, well, lives in her own fantasy land, can actually lead to some very nice psychological disturbances on my fragile mental state.

Which is why that particular comment that I was talking about has left me feeling slightly insecure.

Why was I cursed with a dysfunctional family unit? I think that I truly hate the way my family has turned out. In my opinion, the root of the problem is the brother's darn autism. If it weren't for him, my parents would still be in a much more happy marriage, my mum wouldn't have neglected her girls and my dad would have established a more healthy bond with his children.

I envy girls who have close relationships with their family. Going shopping with their sisters, lunches with their parents, climbing trees with their brothers. Normal things that normal families do that I'd rather kill myself that perform them. The only saving grace is my faithful pet dog, who loves each of my family members - except the brother, of course - more than he loves himself.

So you can see why I need to get out of Singapore, away from my family. I need to start a new life. Leave this behind. Someone once asked me if given the choice, when I'm married, would I live in my parents' house or not. To be honest, I can't even picture myself living with them when I'm older. If the mother wants to return to London, then go. And bring the invalid being.

Parents of autistic kids say that God gives autistic children special gifts to make up for their lack of social skills and whatnot.

The truth is, I've lost faith in Him a long time ago.