You know what I think? 


Actually, screw that. It doesn't really matter what I think. Because why? So many times, have I cried and bled, died and came into the world again. That after a while, it doesn't really matter what you think about the world. You just go through the motions again; you do it again and again and you start thinking about picking yourself and going again instead of the things that really matter. You forget to smell the roses, you forget the blooms and sprigs of hope. Instead, you think of all your failures, and how to undo damages. You isolate, and you slowly die by degrees. 


I am dying by degrees. But I refuse to give up. I cannot. I have not been fighting for 5 years to throw it all away. 


Life. You is a bitch. 


I don't think I can honestly have a normal relationship with my mother. Given all the fighting, the yearning, the pain and the suffering we go through. The problem that all mothers have, is daughters. One of the great myths of parenting, it that children will be extensions of their parents. Alcoholic father, gambling son; crackpot mother, coke addict daughter. Of course, this isn;t always the case. The environments we grow up in shape our lives. But I believe that daughters are somewhat extensions of their mothers. Daughters don't admit it. Mothers don't want to either, but mothers see themselves in their daughters. And they get frightened. Because they don't want to see history repeat itself; because they don't want their daughters to do the same mistakes they did when they were younger. 


The funny thing, while I don't know if my mother sees her in me, I actually see my mother in myself. And that frightens me. Will I make the same mistakes as she did in the future? Did I make the same mistakes before I sensed her in me? Will I end up like her? 


The Chinese zodiac describe the Ox as hardworking, making sacrifices all day long and biting more than they can chew. But they can be impatient and obstinate. I see these in my mother. But I cannot see them in myself. Is it good, or is it bad? It doesn't matter. To me, all that matters now is getting through this day by day and resisting relapses.