I'm sad to say, abhorred, rather, to put that I have reached the stage where I am embarrassed to go out in public, because I have become a paranoid schizophrenic.

I've come to the point where I believe that I look huge in my clothes now, and that everyone else is staring at my beastly greedy and gluttonous and frankly, fat, I am when I walk on the streets in public. I turned down two invitations to birthday celebrations because I feel too fat in my clothes now.

Had a very depressing day at the gym today when the fitness manager helped me take measurements after I asked him for help. Its all too...ghastly. I can't bear to wrote any of it down here because my heart and mind cannot take it anymore.

I'm just so tired. Mentally. Of trying and trying and trying to lose weight and watching it all blow up in my face. I'm cursed with a slow metabolism. No one told me it'd be easy, but no one told me it was going to be this hard either. Now that I think about it, going on this journey is by far the most mentally challenging and exhausting ones I've embarked thus far.

I'm so exhausted. I'm sick. And I'm so upset with myself already.

But I really want this. I need this.

Move your ass bitch.