Like I've asked, why is it that school has barely started and I've already experienced full heads on with issues that threaten my self preservation in pursuit of heart's desires and wants?

For the past few days, I've been embroiled in a tangled twist of frustration, deep deliberation and endless and spontaneous floods of tears. The reason I've been experiencing such wild despondent moods is because I've had to make a decision as to whether I would take part in the O School Recital, scheduled to take place on the 26th and 27th of November.

The O School Recital is held annually, and brings together a group of dancers from mainly the young adult community who share a single passion and love for dance, entertainment and self expression. I've missed out participating in the last few recitals and I saw this year as a chance to finally be part of a huge dance bonanza and take my dance skills to another level.

I auditioned for Street Jazz and Reggae and to my utter disbelief, I got into Fredy's Street Jazz item. Now, among the dance circle, Fredy is known as one of the hottest dancers in O School. He has garnered thousands of follwers from around the world, begging him to do tutorials for his choreograph. Basically speaking, Fredy's is artistically desirable.

And I got into his item. Fredy picked me, out of the 80 people who auditioned for Street Jazz, to be part of his 30 people Street Jazz item. Fredy picked me.

Of course, the problem was that the recital falls in the middle of exam week. And that's a huge problem, because first, its exams. And second, for non-dancers, dance rehearsals can escalate into a crazy spectacle. It traditionally starts off once a week, slowly metamorphasizing into daily nights in the week leading up to the performace. And this recital would be no exception. Not only would an exam or two end in the evening during the recital week, travelling 2 hours and dancing for 3 hours for that week would physically shatter me. I know this, because I felt exactly the same for the past few performances that I was in whilst in polytechnic. I know the drill.

And the truth is, I didn't think I'd be able to adapt to the fatigue whilst revising for examinations. I won't go into further details, because the recollection is just too painful for me to go through, but I spent Thursday fretting and crying intermittently, because the deadline for acknowledging my acceptance was Thursday at 9.30pm. And I hadn't made my mind up.

I called Uncle D and K in fits of tears and tearfully poured my frstrations out and I ultimately decided not to join the recital. It was an incredibly tough decision, to turn down something that our heart truly desires. Its funny when I hear people saying how important it is to follow your heart and let yourself go. I think the truth right now is that I'm one who naturally weighs the pros and cons of situations before committing, and usually my heads beats the crap out of my heart.

I've still yet to figure out whether such decisions that I've made based on logical thinking turn out to be right for me, such as declining Fredy's and NUS' offer.

The truth is right now, my heart still aches whenever I think of how Kesh told me I was the only one who didn't sign the acknowledgement form, how I thought I'd suffocate when my throat suddenly closes and tears starts falling, and how my fingers starts trembling in torment.

The truth is, I don't have the courage to follow my heart, and the truth is, people like me may never know thw the true meaning of happiness, because we perceive situations to be mathematical equations, meant to be analyzed and distilled to its simplest form and deciding whether we should take it or leave it, rather than simply accepting it without any hesitation.