So I've just had my first major relapse today. And I meant mother major. I cannot even begin to describe how I feel right now. Its becoming a pattern now. Where I overeat/binge on Sundays. I don't know if its because I'm not eating enough for my size during the weekdays or if its because its some weird mental thing going on. To be honest, I'm too afraid to find out. But I cannot let this become a pattern. I can't! I don't want to go back to where I was half a year ago: depressed & suicidal. I think I'd die if I wake up the next day and see that I've gained 5 pounds. How can I go on an exchange like this?

:(

I've heard so many wonderful stories from HS when I met him in the library after cognitive psych tutorial. He went to Canada and toured the US and it sounded like he had so much fun.

How can I go to the US again if I'm not recovered?! The last time I went to the US, I relapsed so badly I actually thought about suicide. How can I be away for months on end now?!

I started reading up on relapses and realized that all those subjective binges I had weren't even considered relapses because technically, I wasn't even in recovery. I'm actually experiencing a relapse right now. I want to shoot something. I'm so frightened. Truly and surely. All the sites I've been to advise you to call your therapist if you think you are experiencing a relapse, but I can't called my psychologist right now! I try booking appointments but apparently, there are other girls like me with similar eating problems.

I have no idea what to do now. I'm feeling too guilty to sleep.