Okay so a weird thing happened today. Well, maybe to you its not weird, but it was relatively surprising for me. I arrived at O School at 6.20pm and needed to change into my sweatpants but the bloody toilet was taped off so I had to quickly head down to the next level to change.

So there I was, waiting for the bloody lift which was taking so frickin long, when Ryan came out and I turned and looked at him, and his face registered a look of surprise, and say hi. Now I was super shocked, because in my mind, I did not even think that Ryan would even bother to remember me, seeing as how all the O School instructors seem to remember and are really chummy with the excellent dancers. So imagine my shock when he acknowledged and I was like "oh hi"

Jeez.

Then during street jazz class, after warm-ups, I was putting my shoes back on and suddenly this voice next to me said "Haven't seen you in so long" So I whipped around and saw Jessica sitting on the floor, tugging her shoes on and looking at me. And again, I went "Jessica knows me?! I thought all the O School instructors speak only to the awesome dancer?" Maybe its because she's always in the class that I attend so we see each other.

Anyhow, so its been 2 weeks since I last danced, and I felt so stiff. I still cannot catch steps fast enough, considering that I only managed to get all the steps til the end of the session when Ryan broke us into groups and I got an opportunity to watch the other groups perform so I could clean my steps up. Watching the selected dancers make me realize that I really need to work on my hits. Like the selected dancers are so...sharp and controlled. And I'm so average. Plus, I was so upset with myself when we had to do pirouttes because I still cannot fucking do a nice proper turn. I mean what the HELL is wrong with me? Why can't I do a proper turn? I mean, I've been trying for so long, battling the sick feelings to my stomach every time I do that, you would think I'd have gotten it by now.

I hate myself.

Why is everyone improving but not me? WHY? I need some answers, people. It doesn't help that I'm out the ensemble and can't take part in GEMS6, because I chose to focus on studies rather than dance. SCREW YOU FY.

On a lighter note, SIP report is done and submitted. I just hope that I didn't plagarize or anything, I mean I remembered to paraphrase everything. If the plagarism machines marks me, I will DIE. Literally.

Mum just said I could have a piano teacher come to the house and teach me piano if I want to go beyond the basics, considering I'm not sure what the next steps are to improving. I can play a simple basic piece, but complicated ones freak me out. Then she had athe decency to remind me of how my last piano tutor threatened to jump from the 15th storey of her apartment at my hideous playing. I mean, give me a break I was only 7. Imagine what that kind of psychological and emotional damage that could have inflicted upon my then 7 year old naive mentality. Its no wonder I have low self esteem, because I think I'm not good enough.

OOH Criminal Minds is on FOX channel and my Derek has just tackled an unsub to his freaky feet. GO BABY <3