I think that the more I live in this house, the higher the chances that I'll be in therapy in the future. I have a dysfunctional family unit.

I can think of so many problems with my family members.

My brother has a condition that is a variant of schizophrenia. He's autistic and I cannot communicate with him whatsoever because I simply cannot talk to him like a normal person. He demands things to be done for him and he can get physically and very verbally abusive. Which has happened to me before tyvm.

My sister is living in her own world. I'm not close to her, nor do I think I ever will be because she's consumed with thoughts of her new love in her life, whom she shows off to every single moment.

My dad and I again, are not close. He's consumed by work, which is fine by me since he's always busy with work for as long as I can remember so I don't really care. He considers taking the kids out as a job. No wait. More like a chore, or a duty that is to be relinquished once he perceives he has done his part.

The mother. And I have a complicated relationship. I'm not emotionally close to her, nor do I think I ever will be. She makes me feel worthless and ugly, of which has been like that since I hit like 13 or something. I wonder if she knows I cut myself several times because of her. I don't think she'll ever know. If she did, she won't cry. She'll berate me.

To top it off, I have body image disturbances & having to study for stupid exams, of which I can;t get round to be because recent conflicts with the mother has sapped my energy away from studying and whenever I get round to studying, I get so worked up. Plus dance and all. Being a sucky dancer worsens everything and adds to stress and I feel even worse. I still cannot turn on the spot. Maybe I should just quit TPDE. Obviously I'm not good. I hate everything right now.

I want to go to France. or America. Far away from home and live my own life. I don't want the mother to be with me. She'll drive me to suicide.

For my next birthday, I'll wish that I were adopted.

It just occured to me that stress can come from so many angles. I may need to discover religion and find peace and serenity in it and escape from bloody crap that's screwing with my head.

Who the fuck cares about dementia and delirium or amnestic disorders, or some fucking treatment for personality disorder anyway?

After abnormal psych exam on Wednesday, I'm going to stay out. And not go home til midnight, because I do not want to be home.

I need to fucking study now, because if I do not get an A for Abnormal Psych and maintain my GPA, my parents will crucify me. Or more like the mother. I can't fail. I can't get a B. or a B plus. The mother will screw me over it and I'll kill myself. Literally. Mark my words.