Dear Jesus / God

I realized that I haven’t been praying and talking to you a lot. A lot’s been happening in my life lately and then I recalled when every night, I would lie on my bed and talk to you and wish for a better day. So I decided to put it all in writing because I’d really like to see and reflect on what I’m actually telling you, and later laugh my ass off.

Exams are over, so that’s a good thing because now I’m free and stuff. Though somehow those esteem and self and body issues are still persisting. Today I feel incredibly disoriented. I was looking at old photos of myself and realized how, well, horrid and ugly I look. And the more I look, the more I cringed and it made me feel so much worse.

I wonder how someone like me got chosen to do an SJ item for GEMS. I’m like horrid and fat and gross.

I always wondered why I was born with this well, body. I mean, I had a lot of bad experiences with what people say about it, especially my mother. And it sort of hurts, because it sucks. And my self esteem dips even lower.

Maybe in the next time you’ll spare a thought for my feelings and have me reincarnated into model. At least I’ll be thinner and prettier. I seriously cannot describe to you how ugly and fat I am.

I really do feel very miserable. I really do. I mean there’s just so much I can handle and I seriously cannot handle body, and esteem AND issues with the mother at the same time, especially when they’re all interrelated and stuff. I bet you know this already but I did engage in self-cutting once, but like I said, I bet you know that already. But if you knew how much I felt, you’d understand why and if you were to feel how much I felt, or am feeling right now, you’ll feel like you’re about to explode.

I know I should appreciate the way I am now, especially when some people around the world have deformities and all, but. It’s hard, especially when you have high expectations of yourself.

I wish I were different. Like Giselle, or Angelina, or Tyra, or Megan Fox, because she’s gorgeous.

Just not me.

I really do feel very miserable. I really do.

Amen

Oh and anyway, I'll think about quitting blogging because it's weird to talk about my problems to other people when I can't even solve them.

Amen.