I borrowed a book from the library today called Feeding the Hungry Self.

One of my "assignments" is to list out all my insecurities and reasons why I'm feeling the way I am:

(1) I feel disgusted at myself for having horrible eating habits
(2) I want to look AND feel good at the same time
(3) I want to wear like sexy clothes for once in my life
(4) I want my Dad to stop making fun of me, and my mum to keep "complaining" about weight.
(5) I don't want to be bugged down by such feelings anymore.

I'm sick and tired of it. Seriously. I thought of seeking professional help and getting a grip with reality on what I really should do. Like, talk to a counsellor and consult a nutritionist and get my life on track for once. I mean, I don't want to keep worrying about whether I'm going to grow fat because I ate too much Nutella, or because I didn't complete my workout.

I want to be able to eat Ferrero Rocher without having my thoughts be blasphemed by guilt, shame and disgust.

I'm lost, and confused, and disgusted at myself, and guilty, and irritated. I wish there were some sort of a concrete plan I could embark or stick to so I won't face shit like this anymore.

Or maybe I should just have a body transplant and solve my problems. I wish my Mum had taught me healthy eating habits and foods. I wishe she had told me I'm beautiful. I wish she'll tell me that just because I'm fat, doesn't imply ugliness.

I wish I would develop wings and fly out the window right now and leave my troubles all away, and cast them aside.