Worst Photo Ever: Graduation

So my graduation photo came in the mail today, and my mum came barrelling into the room like an out-of-control bull and went "It's here! It's here! It's come!". Like the Messiah had come down and graced her living room, or something. Not that my mother is Jew or anything.

I was planning to open it (or even toss it in the trash) when she wasnt't looking so she wouldn't have to bear witness to what a disaster my photo would turn out to be, but she kept on urging me and saying crap like "come on open it!". It was so annoying, you know, like when you're trying to swat that damned insect that keeps buzzing around but just cannot die, for some biologically-absurd reason.

So I had no choice but to open it in front of her. Did she not notice that I was acknowledging the envelope with the enthusiasm of a person about to be sent to the gallows? Was she born without a sensory detector, because that would explain a lot. By the time I actually unearthed its contents, I was ablaze with dread. Then the photographs tumbled out and there it was. Those unholy images of me. Standing there with the Guest-of-Honor and me, Little Miss Twerp-Face.

The sister came in just as I was studying the photo and this was how it turned out:

"Man, you look short here."

"Shut up, bitch."

"How come you guys have got no hat?"

"This is the face of someone who doesn't want to talk to you."

I swear. I look like my dad. I absolutely hate it. I mean some girls look like their dad, but they still look good. But me? Yeah I look like a mutant troll! I have man-features! I got his small squinty eyes and that bulbous nose (no Serene it's never going to grow sharp no matter how hard or long you pinch it for). Sometimes I wonder why didn't my mother pick a better looking man to marry. I know I'm supposed to be thankful that I've no outward, physically conspicuous deformities, like a facial birth mark or buck teeth. But seriously. This is my self esteem we're talking about. That's got to count for something right? Right?

So, the idea is, I will put the graduation photo in my cupboard, and stuff in under all the debris of old clothese and whatever, and never look at it again. Didn't Dr Oz and Oprah say something about hiding or throwing things out that make you think negative thoughts? This is the same principle, surely.

Seriously, I should migrate to Middle Earth. And change my name to Rowena. I'll be a hobbit, but I can't picture my feet sprouting long brown hairs. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. I always wanted to go to Rohan. The Land of the Horse-Riders. Except I can't read compasses, or ride a horse, or wield a sword, or shoot arrows, but I'll learn. I'm trainable, people. I aspire to be a Shield-Maiden of Rohan.

Oh God I'm delusional right now. Why was I born?! Does God find it funny to make me look like a man? Because its so not funny at all. Sod it. I'm going to watch Robots, now because Disney always makes everything right.