While its not physiologically possible to die from embarrassment, I'm living proof that death by insanity is totally possible.

I'm tired with a capital T.

if i ain't got you alicia keys cover

Love this.

Sometimes its the not the person I miss, but the moments and memories I had with said person. I've tried to stop thinking about you but it doesn't work. Maybe 6 months from now, I'll look back at this and laugh when all the memories and emotions I have of you eventually fade and settle like dust, but just so you know, I wrote you a note today. It consists of 1 sentence, a sentence that I regret not telling you. Like I said, perhaps a week from now or even a month from now, this won't matter anymore because we'll both have moved on with our lives. But if saying this now could change something, even the slightest of things:

The truth is, you swept me off my feet, plain & simple. 

Goodbye then.

So there I was, cleaning out my cupboard and attempting to sort out all my files and empty it of all unnecessary papers that I had accumulated while in UCLA when I came across the paper that I had written for Theatre. It's an analysis paper, in which I had to do an objective and a subjective analysis of the play and the character I was portraying respectively.

This is what I wrote: Matilde’s boisterous nature and witty personality masks her heartache of the loss of her beloved parents that subsequently ignites a childlike obsession with finding the perfect joke.

And then it dawns on me that I'm just like Matilde. Its no coincidence that I told Melanie that I wanted to play Matilde instead of Lane in our scene work. Matilde is funny and charming and witty and gregarious and extroverted, because deep down she's hurting inside. She uses jokes to mask her grief and unhappiness. 

Am I like Matilde? Am I more extroverted simply because there's a gaping hole in my heart, because I'm sick and tired of being unhappy at myself and this situation that I am in? 

I want to talk to someone about it. But not just anyone, I mean it has to be someone who knows this play and this character than I'm talking about because then he/she will understand where I'm coming from. 

My mind is such a whir. I've been fighting for 5 years. Can I take another 5 more years of it, let alone another day, another week, or another month? 

See, to all students taking Issues and Concerns in Adolescence, this is why people cut themselves. Its because they need the release of that mental tension that's building up inside them. We don't cut because we're mad. We do so because we're screaming, crying and begging for help, for mercy, for sweet release. 

The heart has probably got to be one of the most resilient body organs to be possessed. I wonder how many heartbreaks and disappointments mine can take before it begins to reveal itself for what it is instead of hiding under a facade of strong will.

My first soccer lesson was a complete amusement to me. Its probably no surprise that I am one of the only 2 girls in the male-dominated class. And its probably also no surprise that we are the only two people in class that have no soccer experience whatsoever.

The coach divided us into 4 teams, where 2 teams would play against each other and then we'd switch. Basically I did whatever the boys in my team told me to do. I must have been the only schmuck who was jumping up and down instead of actually running and running for the ball most of the time. I pity the boys in my team, but they were nice enough to actually humor me by letting me score an easy goal. When the ball came to me, I'd start screaming and trying to shuffle the ball, and one of my team members would stand in front of me and "clear" the way for me to get a good aim at the goal, and the opponent goalkeeper even stood out the way so I could score.

I have never felt so patronized in my entire life. I felt like a child. But I appreciated it all the same anyway.

Regardless, the idea of me taking Soccer seems a bit weird. I mean I like the practical aspect of it where we will go out to the field and do drills and then play matches, but the other components, such as knowing the rules and being tested on it sort of gives me the jitters.

I'm not sure where I'll go with this really, and I'm not entirely sure if I would want to take Soccer or take Leadership if I'm allocated it. All this is giving me a headache, coupled with me despairing about my non existent love life.

I think I'm destined to die a lonely spinster with my 10 cats, alone in a dusty cold mansion and sitting in my rocking chair in my nightgown and slippers.

That's because I'm un undesirable and unlovable woman. I'm sorry but I cannot for the life of anyone, attract a decent enough man. Of course I stick by my feminist principles, considering how I had argued about the depravity of classic Disney films and their portrayal of Disney princesses as weak-minded women who are unable to live their dreams unless a man comes by their side. But after all, I'd have to say that it would be nice to have someone to snuggle and whisper sweet nothings, knowing that he's thinking of me day and night and wondering where I am, or what I'm doing, or whether I'm flirting with another boy, or deciding where to take me out.

For as long as I can remember, I've stuck by friends who been through failed relationships and secret crushes, listening to them and giving advice where I can. But just once, I'd like to be on the other side, not because I want to have a failed relationship or anything, but because just once, I'd like to live in the knowledge that a guy out there is thinking of me.

Oh god this is too depressing. I'm going to eat.

My heart and emotions are in such a whir now. SUPPRESS YOUR FEELINGS WOMAN. IT WAS ONLY THE SUMMER.