So there I was, cleaning out my cupboard and attempting to sort out all my files and empty it of all unnecessary papers that I had accumulated while in UCLA when I came across the paper that I had written for Theatre. It's an analysis paper, in which I had to do an objective and a subjective analysis of the play and the character I was portraying respectively.

This is what I wrote: Matilde’s boisterous nature and witty personality masks her heartache of the loss of her beloved parents that subsequently ignites a childlike obsession with finding the perfect joke.

And then it dawns on me that I'm just like Matilde. Its no coincidence that I told Melanie that I wanted to play Matilde instead of Lane in our scene work. Matilde is funny and charming and witty and gregarious and extroverted, because deep down she's hurting inside. She uses jokes to mask her grief and unhappiness. 

Am I like Matilde? Am I more extroverted simply because there's a gaping hole in my heart, because I'm sick and tired of being unhappy at myself and this situation that I am in? 

I want to talk to someone about it. But not just anyone, I mean it has to be someone who knows this play and this character than I'm talking about because then he/she will understand where I'm coming from. 

My mind is such a whir. I've been fighting for 5 years. Can I take another 5 more years of it, let alone another day, another week, or another month? 

See, to all students taking Issues and Concerns in Adolescence, this is why people cut themselves. Its because they need the release of that mental tension that's building up inside them. We don't cut because we're mad. We do so because we're screaming, crying and begging for help, for mercy, for sweet release.