Its moments like this that make me worry about the future: when I sit back quietly and reflect on what has happened in my life, how plans did and didn't unfold the way I thought it would, and how even though it didn't unfold as expected, it paved new ways for me and gave me the opportunity to consider new routes in life instead of rigidly conforming to the plans I made for myself.

For instance, remember how I was all about wanting to move to New York and live and work there? I'm not so sure now. Given the huge growing concern about the capitalism-driven inequality and looming recession that has the United States predict a million jobs would be lost within the next year. Its scary. To think about it, since I'm already 21. 5 years ago I wouldn't have given this much thought, but I'm graduating in 2 years and I have to grow up and make my own living.

And don't even get me started on dance. Don't get me wrong. I love dance. I no longer go for O School classes now. I don't know if its because school's busy, or if its because I cannot be bothered, or if its because my dance shoes have finally given up on me. I don't know why. Well I still do dance in the privacy of my own room. But other than dance and reading, it seems I don't have much interests. I mean. I wanted to bake. But gave that up because it wasn't something that appealed to me after a while. I'm thinking about photography. But where am I going to get the money to get a good camera?

I was talking to Fred the other day in soccer, and he was telling me how he goes apple picking with his family in autumn in Sweden, swimming in the lakes, hiking up the hills and sitting around camp fires with friends and enjoying life. Then I think back of how I work my ass off here by giving my interests up to survive in Singapore and it makes me question the very ideology of Singapore.

Meritocracy has turned us to machines and no longer capable of knowing what it means to live life.