Dear Lord Jesus

It's been difficult. I wish You could come down into my heart and make it all go away - the pain, the hurt, the sorrow. I wish You could tell me what I have to do be more confident in myself and to love myself; and not to compare myself to other people. I wish I have more faith in myself; the courage to believe in myself.

I wish I know what is that special something in me that makes me unique. I wish I can feel good about myself. But I can't. I wish I could talk to my mother about what is in my heart, but I can't. The words just don't come out right.

My thoughts get too complicated. And when I can't take it, I do crap things to myself. I hurt myself. And in the process I hurt my closest friends. And I feel so ashamed. It makes me cry everytime I see the scars. Because it reminds me of how upset, emotional, tied up and trapped I was. How I couldn't express myself til it killed me.

The pin still lies innocently on the table. Waiting for its moment.

On the outside, I am alive. On the inside, I am dead. Like the brown of a leaf that once hung proudly on the tree. Came the drought, and the tree slowly lost the essence to live. The water comes - the tree absorbs its nutrients. But again came the drought, and the tree grows weaker and weaker everytime. Until there is nothing left but the husk of its trunk, the soft whisper of its faded leaves.

The shadow of lost hope. The essence of subdued love. The crowing glory of buried esteem.

Lord, please. Give me confidence to live the way You love me. Help me not be critical and condemning of myself, but to encourage myself instead. Help me accept myself as who I am.

Now lay me down to sleep Father, and bring with it a wave of peace.

Bring blessings, love & joy to Poh Shu Yun, Lynette Chan, Goh Jia Li & Jesslyn Tan for trying to help me see myself in a different perspective. Thank you Jesus, for bringing them into my life. Lucky, am I, to have met these people you placed on Earth.

May they be blessed with love, peace and harmony.

if only I could look you straight in the eye, without feeling the race of my heart, the sweat of my nervousness, nor the ache in my heart, and tell you what I wanted to say to you a long time ago.

if only my hand can express what is in my heart

oh my god oh my god he is so handsome! the guy from the video advertising for Dolce and Gabbana underpants!
OKAY DO NOT WATCH THE VIDEO AGAIN.

BUT IS IT A SIN TO SEE GUYS WITH NICE ABS ONCE IN A WHILE?

YO REPITE, NO ANUNCIE EL VIDEO.

okay focus. read PerCog chapter on Semantic Oragnization and read through French role play script in case Muhammad and I get picked to read out our lines.

I realized that the last I posted something here was like 2nd of Jan so I decided to add a bit more life to this blog.

First week of school started and I actually cannot believe I'm saying this, but I actually like coming to school. All the great people in HSS and funny moments together with some awesome friends. Like yesterday, we had APIP lecture & we had role-play simulations to see how it'd be like when we begin to conduct our surveys. SHOE was the most retarded one ever.

"Are you looking down on me?"
"Is this pencil free"
"Are you 100% positively sure that my information will be kept private?"
"Where will it be kept?"
"Are you sure if that's a safe place?"

Ha I love my APIP group --> Serene; Shu Yun; Zyndie; Jesslyn X)

Today was PerCog day and it was like blah, with the whole 3 hour break. But Nette, Qianhui and I went crazy in the library toilet and starting taking random photos everywhere. ( Nette. I ASSURE you that I WILL put up that embarrassing candid photo I took of you. I just need to find the right moment.) And I put the photos on facebook =)

Shucks, there's French tutorial tomorrow. PLEASE PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET THE TUTOR MAKE US STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS & WATCH US STUTTER FRENCH WORDS AND PHRASES, WITH MUCH HUMILIATION AND EMBARRASSMENT. PLEASE.

Plus, I was youtubing & searching for Matthew McCoughay's advert for D&G's The One, which is cologne by the way. when I ACCIDENTALLY CHANCED upon this advert for D&G men's underwear. So I watched it and by the end of the video I was practically drooling, because the model is BEAUTIFULLY GORGEOUS. He is Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck and God rolled up and trapped in a single human form blessed with a gorgeous sexy body. But I was disturbed by him wearing underwear though, coz I find it. Weird. I started giggling uncontrollably like a school girl who just saw her crush, when I saw him standing in branded knickers and looking so beautiful & maginficent. Like a god.

I think that if I were to get married someday, I'd want my husband to wear boxers. Just like I want him with a stubble. Conservative & sexy.

I realized that whenever I look at men who are almost stark-naked, I start laughing, EVEN THOUGH I FAIL TO SEE WHAT'S SO AMUSING about watching a man showing off his fit toned bod. I couldn't post the video about Matthew coz it wouldn't play when I published it. So you can go and find him when you youtube one day.

I was deciding if I should post the underwear model video up here but decided not to, coz I'm afraid people who are watching might think I'm some freak or a perv who receives pleasure in watching half naked testorone ladelled men up parading around and posing.

Hey. At least this goes to show I'm exclusively hetrosexual.

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

whoop-dee-doo

2:00 onwards





what is it like to fly up into the marshmallows of clouds & see nothing but the twilight sky, streaked with shades of orange and pink; & feel nothing but the warm embrace of the arms of the one who thinks that you're perfect; that you're absolute; and that you're impeccably immaculate with such vitality and sensuality?

have you ever loved someone so much that you simply strip away all flaws and imperfections and in your eyes see the beautiful of the broken; the magnificent of the profile; the resplendant of the returned love?

have you ever truly held someone, grasping and linking your arms together , like a fish swimming upstream desperately seeking survival; and fondle the supple of the strong; the soft of the coarse; the smooth of the rough?

have you ever tasted the lips of someone you truly love; tasted the tang of the sweet; felt the warmth of its softness; the delicate of its touch; the subdued of the enigma?

have you ever held the hand of the one you love, and kissed each knuckle with impetuous tenderness; ingore the strong of the bone; and with a whisper, kiss each and wish for blessedness, for peace; for love; for passion; for eternity?

have you ever been so intoxicated with love; and your heart pounds at every second you lock eyes; every moment you draw closer and closer to each other til you feel the sweet of breath; drowning in the pool of eyes; letting and losing yourself in the passion of momentous frenzy?

have you ever truly wished you could cancel out all other noise and truly listen to the dulcet tones of the one you love; the gentleness of its flow; the melodious of its tune; the rich of it all?

have you ever did anything to preserve that one stroke; that one touch; that one kiss and hungrily crave to make it last for ever; for a lifetime; for eternity?


if only my hand can express what is in my heart.

Oh my gosh I cannot believe 2008 is over; and we have crossed the gateway to 2009! I think 2008 has been a good year actually.

Thank you God, Father Almighty for..
(a) Your forgiveness & fixing what is broken in me, molding it into something
awesome and restoring me back to You.
(b) Giving me strength to conquer fear & giving me dominion over all things
through Your Son, Jesus
(c) Coming down to me and whispering knowledge, comfort & wisdom in my ears
whenever I face an exam.
(d) Delivering me out of hard times & giving me the patience to overcome each
challenge.

Now, reflections, reflections, reflections...

The Good:

1) Getting into TP - Psychology Studies.
2) Making more new great people who have inspired and encouraged me tremendously.
3) Learning 2 new languages - French & Spanish
4) Learning a new dance form.
5) Meeting a book-shop keeper at Peninsula Plaza who reminded me that life is short for grievances & we
should live life to the fullest without any regrets.
6) Bonding and getting to know my Dad more, even if it was only for 3 days.
7) Auntie Christine's engagement to Uncle Tim! ( mails her congratulations AGAIN all the way to London)


The Bad

1) Getting a BAD haircut at some lousy crap place, of which my hair has NOT grown back completely to its original state before said horrendous cut, so SCREW THEM HAIRDRESSERS.
2) Low self esteem (as always)
3) Procrastinating during exam periods
4) Arguing again and again with Mum about my personal life, what I should and should not do.
5) Stressful times whilst doing various projects
6) Losing touch with several friends.
7) Crap New Year Countdown performance, as usual.
8) Self-hurt


EDIT:

I understand that I initially came up with resolutions; but even before the day began I already broke a few. Screw it.

Happy 2009! May the year ahead be filled with love, peace and happiness!